Am I really moving backward? Am I seriously considering birth control? You know it takes some kind of astronomical event for me to consider going back on BC after all these years of wrestling with this topic. Every form of birth control I have ever tried has had some kind of negative effect on me which caused me to shy away from it. I'm allergic to latex. Nothing all that major occurs. I usually just break out with a rash on my chest, sometimes my stomach (and other obvious areas). Every pill I've ever tried has made me a hormonal mess. Female condoms are just... messy, uncomfortable, and scary. With my allergies I've had some strange experiences, like the time I thought I had an STD and it was an allergic reaction.
I know there are other options, obviously, but the easiest way for EH and I was the pill. It was simple, not messy at all, I wasn't allergic to it, and it served its purpose. We didn't get pregnant when we didn't want to. However, after being on it for nearly a decade before deciding to have children, we always thought it played a role in our infertility. My doctors have never really agreed with that theory, or rather they have neither agreed nor disagreed. They've always said it "may have something to do with it" but don't seem sold on that hypothesis.
Considering the position I'm in, it makes perfect sense for me to be on the pill. I'm essentially dating two men for one thing! It sounds so magnificently terrible to admit it out loud, but there is incredible potential for intimacy between TJ and I at this point. However strained and delusional it may seem, I am also still maintaining a relationship with Jay and we are still sexually involved on a regular basis. For all intensive purposes, he is my boyfriend. However, I am not sold on the idea of having a child with him. He's far too immature and has absolutely no plan for the future - not to mention his drinking problem and past drug use. It makes me extremely resistant to even taking the risk of getting pregnant with him. We have no real plans for the future. How could we? At this point, he HAS no future.
As much as I want a child, I don't think I could have one with Jay. I know I've seriously considered finding an "anonymous donor" type. I have thought long and hard about just screwing around until I get pregnant, for the simple objective of getting the baby I've always wanted. I was especially serious about that possibility after losing the twins but the more I thought about it the more I realized that I want my kids to have something that I never had - a real family. At the very least I want my children to have an excellent father who is an upstanding member of his community, an active part of their lives, a good influence on them. The more time I spend around Jay's family (they really are the Cleavers!) the more I realize I want a family like theirs. Well, I want the 21st century version. I don't think marriage is absolutely necessary. In fact, I don't know that I fancy the idea of remarrying. However, I want my kids to have a mom and dad that love them, nurture them, and protect them from all the bull I had to grow up with. I don't want my children to ever feel abandoned, ignored, or abused by me or their father. If I go out and find a sperm donor they will feel abandoned.
So, birth control seems like a viable option right now. I don't want my children being raised by an immature drunk like Jay. And I certainly don't want to get pregnant with TJ again anytime soon. Even if he and I do end up back together, we won't be ready for that for a while and his anxiety levels go so high so fast! I wouldn't want to send him into a coma or something.
I do worry about the side effects of going back on the pill, but I'm not sure what other options I have. It has to be something covered by the state of IL medical card (for now) that I will still be able to afford once my card runs out in a few weeks. But more importantly, it has to be effective, comfortable, and conducive to my lifestyle. I work two jobs and am taking care of my dying grandmother. I don't have a whole lot of time to have to deal with this!
Does anyone out there have any recommendations of fairly inexpensive birth control methods aside from the pill, condoms, or abstinence? =)
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