I knew the day I married EH that I could be making a huge mistake. I've known him my whole life and we were together for years before we married. I knew damn good and well that he could be a controlling and incredibly selfish asshole. Usually, he would only behave that way every now and then. All it would take was a phone call to his mother ("Milly") and she would put an end to it. Knowing all of this, I suppose all that happened really was my fault, just as EH has told everyone who will listen. However, I had absolutely NO CLUE what was really going on behind the scenes the entire time we were together. Some of the details EH told me himself in a desperate night of confession between the two of us near the end of our marriage. The rest I found out over the period of several months leading up to, during, and after our separation/divorce.
When EH and I first started dating he was coming off a really bad break-up. In fact, the day we made it official, his ex called his cell phone while we were together and got him so worked up he was crying on the phone with her. The thought of Mr. Toughguy crying now kind of makes me feel pity for him, but at the time he was incredibly torn about his relationship with her and how it ended. They had been through a lot in the three years they spent together and she was his first true love. I don't care who you are, you never get over that. That night, Milly had taken the phone away from EH and took off walking down the street with it. EH sat on the front steps of his parents' house and sobbed for another 10 minutes before finally coming back to talk to me about what had happened. She had basically reamed his ass, saying that he begged her just a few weeks prior to come back to him but he was somehow already moving on. We were all really young, especially her. She was fresh out of high school. I was the oldest among us, so I just chalked it up to immaturity and told myself I would be patient with him. That was a big mistake. One night he left his cell phone in my car when I took him to work and she called it. I answered it. I wasn't hostile toward her. I explained to her that I wasn't comfortable with her calling him anymore, that I understood how she felt, and that I would let him know she called. She tried then to convince me how terrible he could sometimes be, but why would a 22-year-old listen to an 18-year-old high school student, much less her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend? I thought that had been the end of it but years later I found out that EH had brought her over to the house several times when we first started dating and "hung out" with her. He swears nothing happened, but I never really believed him. Since it was in the past and he stayed with me, I thought it was forgivable.
The Ex-Girlfriend's CousinAround the same time that I made the discovery about the ex-girlfriend, another story emerged. EH's ex-girlfriend has a huge family. Some of her cousins are old friends of mine, as well as friends with EH. I went to one of them to ask if he knew about the ex coming over to the house. He said he wasn't aware of that but there was something else I should probably know, since I was asking questions and all. It had happened before we were together, but there was a girl (in the ex's family) that EH had also been involved with previously and that he still hung around with. The ex's cousin had once given EH oral sex in front of other people at a party as part of a dare. Not only were several of our mutual friends aware it had happened, but it happened while he was dating his ex and none of them had ever told her in the three years they were together. Furthermore, EH was still fairly close friends with the girl and we had even had her in our house, hung out with her on several occasions, and I had pulled strings to get her a student worker job in the position I used to work in at my old college.
This let me know that EH was perfectly capable of cheating, at the very least, emotionally. He had cheated on his ex with her own cousin and had emotionally cheated on me by having the ex over while i was gone. He swears nothing happened, but how am I to believe him?
These stories were in the past, YEARS ago, and had happened either really early on in our relationship or before we were together. I didn't even bother telling EH I knew about any of it. I figured it was water under the bridge, he had been really young when it happened and we were both older & wiser & in an adult, committed relationship.
The Fellow OfficerEH told me this story himself, but I already knew something was going on with this women before he gave me specifics... EH graduated from the law enforcement academy a couple of months before we were engaged. There was only one woman in his class at the academy and she had a reputation for being.. promiscuous. In fact, when I traveled up with a friend to see EH while he was in the academy, this girl was in the hotel room with EH and his roommate when I arrived. When I asked the guys what was going on, they both said they had all been studying together for a written test that was coming up. I explained to EH in private that I was uncomfortable with her being in the room and that I didn't think his roommate's fiancee would appreciate it either, and when EH was in the restroom during dinner, I expressed the same to his roommate. The roommate assured me nothing was going on, he would never let EH do something like that, and that he never let him out of his site. The fact was, it wasn't EH I didn't trust. It was her. As a matter of fact, while I was in the room, this girl came bounding in the room talking about a female strip club down the street and begging some of the guys to go with her. She practically begged EH. I knew then that I would be staying fairly late, late enough to make sure the club was closed before I left.
EH's roommate was getting married that June. The night of the wedding, EH and Miss Strip Club both had to work but they had both said they would go to the reception after work. It was within walking distance from the jail but EH wanted to drive (he was driving my car at the time) because it was on the way home. This woman asked if he would give her a ride. When he stopped at a stop sign, EH says that she "jumped" him, straddling him and kissing him. He only admits to "making out" and putting his hand down her pants and "playing" with her, but I have no reason to believe him. He said they made plans to go back to her place after making an appearance at the reception but he changed his mind and left without her.
The CookEH worked at the law enforcement center in a nearby county as a correctional officer near the latter end of his career in law enforcement. By the time he had been there for a year and was in the union, he had a pretty big head and pretty much thought he was untouchable, in all facets of life. In some ways, it was true. He had an "inside influence" with administration who kept him out of trouble (see "The Nurse" below) and even a corrections badge was keeping him out of trouble with the law. He actually wrecked my car (more than once) without getting a ticket. He and his buddy once went out road tripping (drinking and driving basically) in the country, got lost, and called dispatch (drunk) to get directions. Even I was untouchable while we were together. I can't tell you how many times simply having an F.O.P sticker (Fraternal Order of Police) in my back window got me out of a ticket, usually for a blown tail light, but still! I don't really agree with it, but I wasn't going to argue w/the cop and take the ticket if I could get out it either. (Neither would you! Be honest.)
Close to the end of our marriage, I noticed that EH was carrying his service weapon pretty much everywhere with him. I had grown accustomed to criminals threatening my husband's life, my life, and our safety. One man had threatened to rape SJ and I and kill us in front of EH before shooting EH to death. A week later a window was busted out of one of our vehicles. We took those threats seriously to the point that I got a FOID card and began to keep a 9mm Glock pistol in the house. However, I felt carrying a 45mm handgun with him everywhere he went was a little excessive. When I asked why, he used the excuse that a Cook County inmate being housed at the jail had threatened to send people on the outside after him.
As it turns out, someone associated with the jail had threatened to kill him. One of the cooks in the kitchen was married to a man who had immigrated here from Africa a few years prior. He was a HUGE African man and had discovered the relationship between EH and his wife. In fact, he watched EH walk her to her car one evening, called his wife's cell phone, and asked to speak to him. That is when he threatened to harm EH and why EH began carrying his weapon everywhere he went. EH confessed this to one of his friends. The friend waited several weeks to tell me, but all he said was that EH was "accused" of having an affair with a co-worker and that the husband was pissed, explaining why he carried his gun. He was either not aware or not willing to share the details. During the separation EH told me about it. He admitted to going to the woman's house while her husband was gone and I thought he was at the gym. He said it was only once and her kids were there so they didn't "do anything".
A few weeks after the confession, we tried to get back together. We ran one last derby together (that annual derby is this coming weekend). It was sort of a rainy day so I stayed in the truck while EH unloaded the trailer, but he left his phone in the cab with me. I flipped through his phone and got the girl's number. I thought I might use it later if we divorced. In fact, the day we finally did make the decision to file, I called her. She answered the phone and I simply asked, "Did you mess around with my husband? Yes or no." She swore up and down about a million times they didn't. For some reason, I still believe her.
The NurseEH's relationship with this nurse has been a long-standing one, but she has had long-standing relationships with several people in law enforcement over two counties from what I understand. This woman is the head nurse at the jails for two neighboring counties, the first county EH worked at and the one he was recently fired from. She often treats officers in addition to inmates. If a correctional officer or deputy comes to work and falls ill while she is there, she has the authority to send them home. I've even known her to write prescriptions "with permission" from the jail's doctors for some of the officers. In addition to her usual duties and authority, she seems to have a tremendous amount of influence over the administration, especially at EH's most recent county. When EH decided he wanted to transfer to the new county, this nurse was the first person he talked to. Why would you talk to the nurse? Why not an administrator, a deputy, or a friend higher up in law enforcement (which EH has/had many of)? Not only did the nurse get EH hired on, but she also got his buddy Howie hired as well. In fact, Howie was hired a few months before EH.
I always suspected the nurse had the administration by the balls somehow, and I always had a feeling I shouldn't trust her with EH, but again, I trusted him. I'm not sure why, but I did. Quite frankly, I couldn't complain. I suppose it was the benefits it afforded me and the comfortable lifestyle the new job offered us that made me complacent. By influencing whoever she had to influence to get EH hired on, we added 1/3 to our income. I was able to go back to school and we bought a new car with the extra money. I was blinded by the benefits and never stopped to think about why she cared enough about EH to help him in that way.
EH has never admitted to having a relationship with the nurse but two people he once considered friends have both told me they had, at the very least, an "inappropriate" relationship. Others he worked with have admitted to having relations with theBy nurse themselves and told me she is that way with nearly all the correctional officers. When EH got with Sassy, she started cracking down on his activities, to the point that she forced him to block my phone number from his cell phone. We were still in the process of settling financial matters after the divorce & I had to start using his mother as a mediator because I could no longer call him. I have no doubt she found a way to watch his work relationships as well. Sassy came up pregnant in February, 2012. Less than six months later, EH lost his job at the jail. I'm guessing his work relationships were the hardest for Sassy to monitor. She couldn't possibly know everything he was doing while away at work. One of two things happened. Either she somehow purposely got him fired because she wanted him closer to home in a job where she could keep a closer eye on him or Sassy cracked down hard enough that EH stopped putting out for the nurse and she got him fired. I would honestly believe either scenario.
For those of you who have read my more recent posts, remember Ken? He's one of my "new friends" from "New Normal-Part 2". He's TJ's best friend (BJ's father) and also happens to work at the same Jail where EH worked at the time of our divorce... Ken and I became friends just months before EH was fired. I heard about EH getting fired before Ken even did because I have other friends who knew the situation and told me about it before the rumor mill had begun turning at the jail. So, when I asked Ken about it, he was completely shocked. He even reiterated to me how "untouchable" EH had once been and then it got kind of quiet between us. I leaned close to Ken's ear and said, "I know about the nurse". His eyes widened as he shook his head and took a deep breath.
He said, "Well, that's a relief. I wasn't sure if you knew."
"Well, I don't have proof, but I've suspected for a really long time, since before he transferred."
Ken was quiet for several seconds. "Can I ask you a personal question?"
"I'm good looking, right?"
"I'm at least above average, don't you think?" (There's a reason I call him "Ken". He's damn near perfect.)
"Um. YES! Ken, you know you're gorgeous."
"Okay, so what else is wrong with me?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, the nurse. She messed around with EH, Randall, Howard, the lieutenants, but she's never so much as made a pass at me. Why not?"
I laughed. "Has it ever occurred to you that it's because she knows you have too much integrity to mess with her skanky ass so she knew better than to even try?"
His mouth fell open. "Oh... Wow... I never thought of it that way."
Yes! I Cheated!Don't get me wrong. There is NEVER EVER a good reason to cheat on someone. If you're unhappy, just leave. Cheating on my husband was the worst thing I ever did in my life. So, please don't think that I am trying to defend or justify my actions, and I am certainly not promoting this type of behavior. I'm just trying to tell my side of the story. Since EH has done nothing but lie, I figured I might as well tell the truth...
Near the end, I was well aware that EH was cheating on me. Even if he wasn't having sex with these other women (I have no proof that he was), he was definitely considering it and doing things he should do with them. The abuse at home was unbearable. He never truly physically abused me but the mental abuse was far worse than anything he ever would have done to me physically and we did get into a few shoving matches, which I lost. I had no way whatsoever to prove infidelity and I honestly didn't want to believe it was possible. He had been accusing me of cheating for years, even though I never had. I had been given opportunities. Don't get me wrong, but I had never done it because I loved my husband desperately. But I also knew if I went back to those same men on any given day the offer would probably still stand, and I was at the point where I was at least willing to flirt with danger.
A few of months before the separation, I heard on the radio that an old friend's mother had died. (We'll call him Eddie) I had dated him off and on a bit before I started seeing EH. We were never more than friends with privileges in all honesty but I had always had a huge crush on him. I called a mutual friend and asked for his number. He didn't answer when I called so I left him a voicemail offering my condolences. A few days later, I received a text message from him thanking me for the message. He also asked how I was doing and before I knew it, one text turned into texting/calling on a regular basis. We talked several times a month over the next couple of months. In one text, he asked if we could hang out. By this point, I had elluded to how things were going in my marriage and he knew EH would never allow me to be friends with another man, much less spend time with him. Eddie told me where he lived and it was within walking distance. In fact, I had been walking a few miles almost every day & walked passed his house all the time and never knew he lived there. No one would ever suspect anything of my regular walks. I looked for him every day after that and he happened to be mowing his yard one day. We stood in the driveway and talked for 20 minutes or so and then I left. A few times later, he invited me in the garage to look at his motorcycles. Eventually, we did kiss and our conversations grew longer and longer each time. We started meeting by the reservoir sometimes, just to talk. I enjoyed spending time with him. I could be myself and he was always 100% honest with me, which was more than I was getting at home. It was bad enough that EH lied to me all the time about the danger he was often in at work, but he was lying to me about his relationships with the women at his job. It was nice to spend time with someone who had no reason to lie. Eddie and I continued to spend time together even after he got a serious girlfriend. He explained to me that, as much as he wanted me, he wanted to be faithful to her and he really didn't think I would ever leave EH. We broke it off a little while later. EH later found a phone record with a 13-minute phone conversation on it between Eddie and I. He used that as "evidence" of an affair and fabricated a story, forcing me to get a restraining order on Eddie. That was honestly the beginning of the end.
Looking back, I was SO DESPERATE for REAL attention that I would have taken it anywhere I could have gotten it... Around the same time that Eddie and I broke it off, I started getting signals from another man. "Harley" was separated from his wife and was super flirty with me. He would always touch my arm when we talked, compliment me, and look at me as if he was undressing me with his eyes. We only discussed business when we talked, but I could always sense the sexual tension. One day, I met him after work to drop off some supplies I had borrowed. He asked me to come in and wait because he still had clients in the building. He escorted me to another office and asked me to "hang out". I sat down and waited. When he returned, he shut the door behind him and locked it. I was scared at first. I wasn't sure what he was going to do. He didn't even hesitate. He just started making out with me and rubbing all over me right there in the office. I admit that I let it go way too far, but I stopped it before it turned into sex and I made it a point to never be alone with Harley ever again. Later on, during the divorce, a woman called me claiming she had the encounter on video. It scared me enough that I backed down from trying to get much of anything from EH, afraid he would release the video to the public, ruining my reputation and Harley's career.
Sassy & the Best FriendIt was very near the end. SJ had been staying at Milly's and I had been sleeping in SJ's room. Some nights I stayed at my grandma's. One night, I stayed on EH's cousin's couch. It was already over but sometimes it seemed as if there was a small thread of hope, or at least I thought so. One night, EH begged me to come home and we had one last night of the most AMAZING and passionate sex I think I've ever had! The physical sex itself wasn't all that spectacular, but the honesty and the emotion of it all was utterly overwhelming. I thought just maybe we could give it one last try.
Even though I had basically moved out, Sis and Lil G didn't have anywhere to go just yet. They were staying at the house while Sis looked for a place of her own. I still watched G at the house on the nights she worked. One of the nights I was gone, my sister reported that she thought a girl may have stayed the night one night. When she described the car, I thought I knew who it might be. A few weeks later, I had to stay at the house late to babysit for Lil G. EH still wasn't home more than an hour after he usually arrived. I called and he said he was at his buddy's house just down the road from us. Sis came home a little later and I decided to go find EH. I wanted to talk to him about "us"...
I'd never been to that friend's house, but I knew the neighborhood. I drove around looking for EH's car and found it. I walked up to the porch and suddenly heard a female voice from inside. I looked back to the driveway and didn't recognize any of the cars. In fact, all of them looked like "girlie" cars (even EH's - LOL), but one of them fit the description of the car my sister had described and I knew then I had been right about who she was.
I texted him, "You need to step outside".
He texted back, "What?"
"I said you need to come outside.. I'm on her porch."
He yanked the door open. She stood about three feet behind him. He was wide-eyed. It was obvious he wasn't used to being caught. He gritted his teeth as if he was mad at ME. "You need to go home."
"I'm pretty certain you don't want me to do that because there may not be anything left when I get there."
He looked back at the girl, "Um.. You might wanna go hide somewhere. She's fucking crazy."
"Oh! You wanna see CRAZY? Are you fucking serious? You're a fucking liar and a coward!" I ran back to the car and sped off...
Long story short, I went back to the house and tore a bunch of shit up before I started packing. He had the audacity to bring that little bitch into my house while I was still there and she and I ALMOST had a little throw down. I had to keep reminding myself that he is friends with practically every cop in the tri-county region and no matter who's fault it was or who threw the first punch, I would be the one thrown in jail. Before we were even divorced and my stuff was moved out, he moved her in, but not before I fucked the SHIT out of his best friend!