A Blogging Miracle

JULY 16, 2012

A BLOGGING MIRACLE

I continued blogging. It was the ONLY way I could find any peace or encouragement concerning my IF.  EH's mom, though she was my greatest confidant and the only person who even pretended to understand, talked about it CONSTANTLY, especially after EH's sister came up pregnant in 2010.  I thought his sister being pregnant would get his mother off our case but it just made things worse.  I love his mom SO MUCH but it got to the point where I couldn't even be around her.  I even asked EH to talk to her about it because it made my depression about a million times worse. I had resigned to the fact that I would never have a child of my own, especially with EH.  I couldn't talk about babies or even walk passed the diaper aisle without breaking down. I was incredibly unhappy and I just didn't see a way out of it.

I decided my original blog was just a bland, ignorant heap of hodgepodged thoughts and feelings - not to mention the website I was using was difficult to use, especially as far as personalization and security options.  I decided it was best to just start over.  I had recently connected with two old friends from college.  They had married and had a baby who died from a very rare condition. They knew she would die either prior to  or just after birth.  As a means of dealing with the extreme anguish they had connected with several infant loss groups/websites.  The most popular recommendation for healing therapy was blogging.  The thought of reading my friends' blog scared me to death.  If I were ever lucky enough to conceive, I just couldn't imagine that kind of pain.  It was hard enough being barren, but to finally conceive and then to find out you were basically carrying a dead child, that would be unbearable.  I honestly thought I would kill myself if I found myself in that position.  However, I knew very little about "real" and effective blogging and I wanted to see what it was all about.  The blog was amazing, insightful, and BEAUTIFUL.  Their story was so touching.  It was sad, of course, but their hope and zeal for life was truly inspiring.  It revived me to see that if life was still worth living for them that it should be for me as well.  In fact, they were trying for another baby (and I should mention they are now pregnant with baby #3). At that point I decided that I would not only start a new blog of my own but find other want-to-be mother-bloggers and subscribe to their blogs.  I spoke to my friend about it and she said she couldn't agree more that I needed that kind of support.

I started the new blog sometime in 2011.  Things were NOT good between EH and I at all and we were admittedly treating each other very poorly.  We had both been exercising an extreme amount of indiscretion & disregard toward each other. I think we had both turned into bitter, angry, selfish people.  We were very hardened toward each other.  I'm not sure exactly when that started but it definitely wasn't something I was exactly aware of at the time.  Yes, there were definitely times that I was obviously angry with him, but the existence of prolonged, sustained disdain and resentment for my husband was not apparent to me.  I still loved him very much but I blamed him for our IF and I was blatantly lashing out at times.  It was getting very nasty.  We were both on the verge of a breakdown.

In mid-2011 a man named Josh Bellows began following my blog.  He sent a comment that simply said that he thought he might be able to help me with my IF issues if I was willing to do him a favor in return.  I know I could word that far better.  NO Josh was not offering to be my "baby daddy". Ha ha!  He was offering EH and I the opportunity of a lifetime, a chance at conceiving a baby on our own, together.  Josh is one of the owners of a company called Hive Naturals.  It's a family-owned company that specializes in (basically) natural supplements.  The supplement they are most known for is a bee pollen derivative-based product called Bee Fertile.  It's a supplement and royal jelly product that has worked for many couples to help them conceive.  In fact, it helped Josh and his wife conceive.  Josh offered a free 3-month supply of Bee Fertile to EH & I if I would simply keep them updated on our progress, give them a review of the product, and write about it all in my blog.

I should mention that my blog was 100% anonymous. EH didn't even know I had it. I explained this to Josh & he said that he would leave it up to me whether or not I revealed the blog to EH, but he did insist that EH know I was sharing our reviews & information and that he be okay with the the deal.  I talked to EH and he said we could try it...

Long story short, while both EH and I were taking the product and were noticing positive physical results, we were still fighting constantly.  The only time we didn't fight was during sex.  Even then we would sometimes argue.  Things were not going well between us but we thought if we could JUST get pregnant that perhaps we could put aside our petty differences, stop blaming each other, and finally look forward to the rest of our lives together.

I won't get into all the nasty details, but very shortly after we finished the 3-month supply of Bee Fertile, EH and I separated.  A few weeks later, I discovered that he was already seeing someone else who was nearly 10 years younger than me.  Shortly after that our divorce was final. The week of our divorce, I was looking through some bills and for some reason, a date on the calendar stood out to me. I stopped, did a count of days, and realized I had missed my period for two months.  I just couldn't understand how I missed for TWO MONTHS and didn't notice. Then again, with the divorce, moving, and losing pretty much EVERYTHING, I guess I just didn't have the time to notice.  I took three POS tests and all of them were inconclusive. The 2nd line on the test was so incredibly faint that I couldn't tell.  I called EH to tell him and he handled it much better than I thought. It didn't mean we would get back together. That bridge was already burned. However, it did mean our lives could change drastically & that my child could potentially be subjected the juvenile antics of EH's girlfriend. I made an appointment with my doctor in about a week and we waited. A few days later, I started cramping really bad and assumed I was getting my period but it never came. I went to the doctor. We did a blood test and my HCG count was 22 but that didn't necessarily mean I was pregnant. They said to wait it out two weeks and come back for another test.  In that two week time, I had a period and it was EXCRUCIATING! I assumed it was so bad because I had skipped two months. I went to the doctor two weeks later and had another blood test. My HCG level was zero so I called EH & told him it was over.  Shortly after, I received an e-mail from his girlfriend (Sassy) telling me what a lying b*tch I was and I had better stay away from "her man" from now on.

About a month later I discovered Sassy was pregnant.  I was devastated!  At that point, I just KNEW that our IF was MY FAULT.  There had to be something wrong with ME & I was determined to figure out what it was!

The Bee Fertile, I had thought, was my ticket to Motherhood.  It was going to fix all my problems.  I never saw myself as one of those naive, ignorant women who believed bringing a baby into an already-troubled relationship would fix everything.  I'm well aware of the stresses that raising children can bring. After all, I was raising EH's adopted daughter & helping to raise my nephew.  We had three other people (including my sister) to contend with in our household. I had a whole house FULL of people (& pets) to take care of (including EH, who seemed to think a 40-hour work week was his only obligation to the family).  Yet, for some CRAZY reason I wanted to bring yet ANOTHER person into this already dysfunctional family! I must have been out of my mind...




I was SO SO thankful I had started the blog and that Josh & Chavah from Hive Naturals had made the offer of the Bee Fertile kit.  By the way, I don't think they just go handing out free $300 kits to just anyone.  I don't want anyone to think that it's that easy for everyone.  However, I've done a lot of research and Bee Fertile seems to work for almost every couple that uses it.  (See the link to their website to your right.)  In fact, it turned out to benefit both EH and me down the road...

A BRICK WALL WITH A TOUCH OF CRAZY....