By the end of June things were really rocky between TJ & I. I wasn't going to all of the weekly jam sessions, wasn't going out much at all, and I was starting to come down with the Flu or some kind of bug. My heart rate was high. My blood pressure was up. I was nauseous, and my blood sugar was all out of whack (I'm hypoglycemic). I was in a HUGE funk and things between TJ and I were NOT helping at all. We tried to stay friends, tried to be amicable, but it was just a mess. In fact, I found out later that he was planning to break it off with me completely very soon, but that didn't come out until after catastrophe struck.
July 2, 2012 - I was at work. I kept every single goal - large or small- on my Outlook Calendar on my work computer. I had been super busy lately, completely overwhelmed with work. I had also been pretty sick as of late and was having difficulty keeping up with my long list of overdue tasks. I had a few extra minutes that afternoon so I decided to sort through my calendar to see what tasks/goals I needed to focus on in the upcoming weeks. I rolled back to April and started slowly scrolling through the dates. I got to May 30th and saw a big red "P". A lightbulb went off, my stomach dropped, a felt faint, & I think I may have even lost consciousness for a split second. I scrolled down to June. No "P". July - no "P". SHIT!
I almost RAN to my friend's cubicle. (We'll call her Blondie.) "Blondie, I missed my period!" She kind of stared at me with her huge doe eyes.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes! I keep track on my calendar. It's July 2nd! My last period was May 30th! Shit! TJ is gonna flip a f*cking lid!"
"Oh my God! You need to take a test before you do anything."
"No shit! It's not like I can leave work to do it. There are over two hours left before I can leave. I'm a nervous wreck! This can't be happening! How many times have I been told I would likely never get pregnant? How many times did the doctors say it wouldn't happen? This can NOT be happening, not now!"
"Calm down! You've been sick & stressed out. Maybe it's just like before, like back in December when you missed before. Don't jump to conclusions."
As soon as I left work, I bought a pregnancy test and went looking for a restroom. I worked 27 miles from my house & I wasn't waiting 30 minutes to take this test! I went to the tanning salon almost every day after work so I went there just like I did every other day and asked to use the restroom before I tanned. As soon as the pee hit the stick, that "pregnant" line showed up - before the standard line even did!!! I took out the other test and did it again - same thing. OH MY GOD! I didn't know what to do.
I called my mom bawling. My mother and I don't exactly have the best relationship, but the best thing she could have done at that time was exactly what she did. She reminded me that I had gone the last decade believing I would never have kids and now I was pregnant. Regardless of how I felt about it, this was a BLESSING. I was pregnant!!! I thought it would never happen & it did! I should be HAPPY about it!
I knew the next step was to tell TJ. My stomach dropped. At that point it really didn't matter how I felt, because I knew how he would feel and it would NOT be good!!!
FACING THE FIRING SQUAD...
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
The Search for a New Normal
Dating after a divorce is an incredibly intimidating thing. Personally, I felt like damaged goods, like I was someone else's leftovers. Why would anyone want me? All these incredibly self-deprivating thoughts kept going through my head...
"You're too old to date"
"You're too fat"
"Who would want to date someone who can't have children?"
"You probably don't even remember how to date."
I can't even explain all the bullshit that went through my head!
I didn't really want to jump right into dating, but I couldn't stand just sitting at home alone all the damn time, and none of my friends understood at all what I was going through. I needed someone to spend my time with, at the very least as a distraction from my tragic life...
A relative set me up with a guy she was close to. He was also going through a divorce and he was one of these calm, quiet types (or so I thought - ha ha). My uncle's wife had suggested we try spending some time together & I trust her judgement. She knows him really well & thought being around someone who was going through the same thing might benefit us both.
I thought it would be the perfect scenario for me - a nice, quiet guy with his own place who already had kids (and probably didn't want anymore), and he was someone I knew, which made me feel at ease. Well, that was the second worst mistake I've ever made! Two months and one incredibly insane run-in with my ex-in-laws later, I was sent packing. I won't EVEN go there. Just thinking about how crazy some people can be once you scratch the surface is really scary! (And I'm not talking about my in-laws.)
I thought long and hard before going out on another date, and yet, I found another emotionally confused man who SEEMED like a calm, laid-back type of guy (with two kids) who was well-dressed, smart, & quite the gentleman. THEN he started changing his mind every 5-6 hours as to whether or not he wanted to be with me. He even threw the "L" word out there a couple of times before breaking up with me, offering to "just be f*ck buddies", & then asking my permission to date my best friend. YIKES!!!!
Finally, I was out with my friend "BD" one night & met this really handsome, smart, well-dressed, and INCREDIBLY talented guy. We'll call him "TJ". He was tall, broad shouldered, super intelligent, well-spoken, well-dressed, adorably cute, & an amazing guitarist to boot. In fact, when I was younger I had followed one of his bands around a little bit & knew just how good he was! I was definitely impressed & kind of shocked that he took the time to flirt with me. (It turned out he thought I was much younger than I am - This turned out to be both a compliment and a devastating blow.) Again, he seemed like the calm, quiet type (because NO ONE honestly likes the loud & proud
type, guys, just in case you're wondering). And it was nice to have an intellectual conversation with someone of the opposite sex who shared some similar interests for once.
I had one of those little girl crushes right away. However, I was still completely reeling over the last nine months of dating debacles. I wasn't really ready for any type of serious dating relationship. I just wanted to be friends, feel it out, and see where it went. As calm, cool, & collected as TJ was, I could tell he had some secrets that deeply troubled him. He was nervous, skeptical, and pretty judgemental at times. The more time we spent together, the more comfortable he seemed drinking around me, and the more he drank, the more honest he was. There were a few times where he hinted at a long, lost love that he was somehow still (at least slightly, if not totally) in love with and apparently still had connections with. I'm no home wrecker. I wanted to feel out this whole "one that got away" situation and get to know him first. I began spending every weekend (and some weeknights) with TJ and his friends & I really grew to like them. I know it's cliche' and cheesy, but this group of people made me feel like I was on an episode of "Cheers" every time I was around them. Everybody really did "know my name" and they welcomed me with open arms. I felt right at home with them, and the more time I spent with TJ, the more I liked him.
I was very careful not to get too close to TJ too fast, but let's face it. I was incredibly attracted to him, was absolutely ecstatic to have an intelligent conversation with a man who could keep up, and every time we saw each other I liked him even more. And the truth is, I REALLY need to have sex with SOMEONE. It might as well be someone I like, someone I know at least remotely, and someone I trust! I know men think women have this on/off switch and we can just shut down our sexual desires on command. That's not entirely true. In fact, men usually have a way of shutting that switch off FOR us so that we don't have to, but TJ had a way of turning me on like no one else ever had. It wasn't just pure sexual desire. There was (and I think still is) a certain respect between TJ and I, and quite honestly, I was a totally different person than I had been with EH or any other man when I was with TJ. He brought out the best in me. He made me want to let my true self shine. He had a way of knocking down my walls and letting me be myself. I'd never felt that way before, but his walls were much harder to crack than mine.
One night I just laid it all out on the line. TJ was mid-sentence talking about his lost love & what a terrible person he was for continuing to love her long after she had moved on and pursuing her when he shouldn't have., for spending time with me when he was still in love with her. (Red flag, I know.) I finally just took a shot, slammed the glass on the table, and laid one right on him. I kissed him long and hard, as if I thought my lips might fall off if I let go. I had never done anything like that before, especially not in a public place, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I was pleasantly surprised when he kissed me back, and he kept kissing me the rest of the night, until after five o'clock the next morning! I won't lie. In the back of my mind, I knew TJ was too good for me and that it would probably NEVER work, but that night was one of the most magical nights of my life.
I had NO CLUE how complicated it would get after that, but I was just enjoying the ride. I grew closer and closer to TJ's group of friends over the next month or two and I just never wanted it to end, but things were complicated. As much as I wanted to pretend they were simple and easy - that TJ and I were just "friends with benefits", I knew it wasn't that easy. I liked him more than he did me, and he was still in love with someone else. Then, one night it came to a head. I made the horrible mistake of trying to get more serious with TJ and he laid it on me - he couldn't be with someone who couldn't have children! OUCH!!!!
Needless to say, things got kind of weird after that. We still hung out, still had sex even, but those feelings of ecstasy & excitement - the joy of the "crush" was gone. It was no longer easy, no longer uncomplicated. In fact, it made me feel dirty. We were just f*ck buddies who occasionally sat around singing songs together. Looking back, we never went on a real date. We never gave each other titles like "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" (at least not when we were sober - which was rare). I had been kidding myself all along.
The thing that REALLY sucked about what was going on between TJ and I was that I had finally started to feel like I had found my "new normal". I was working regularly, had a routine, & had a brand new group of friends - TJ's friends. How could I walk away from him w/o walking away from them? And walking away from them meant walking away from the closest thing I had experienced to a "real life" in almost a year (longer if you consider the last 6 years of HELL).
More than losing TJ, I didn't want to lose the one thing I had to look forward to every week, hanging out with my "Cheers" gang. There was this whole long back story as to how this group of friends began about seven years ago. I knew I was an outsider, a secondary (if not tertiary) member of this band of misfits, but I wanted SO BADLY to remain, even if on the outskirts. The thought of starting over (again) was worse than the thought of losing TJ. I had finally found my new normal and was risking losing it. And if I thought THAT was going to be tough, something was about to happen to turn our entire world upside down. Talk about a new normal? How does a completely new universe sound?
"You're too old to date"
"You're too fat"
"Who would want to date someone who can't have children?"
"You probably don't even remember how to date."
I can't even explain all the bullshit that went through my head!
I didn't really want to jump right into dating, but I couldn't stand just sitting at home alone all the damn time, and none of my friends understood at all what I was going through. I needed someone to spend my time with, at the very least as a distraction from my tragic life...
A relative set me up with a guy she was close to. He was also going through a divorce and he was one of these calm, quiet types (or so I thought - ha ha). My uncle's wife had suggested we try spending some time together & I trust her judgement. She knows him really well & thought being around someone who was going through the same thing might benefit us both.
I thought it would be the perfect scenario for me - a nice, quiet guy with his own place who already had kids (and probably didn't want anymore), and he was someone I knew, which made me feel at ease. Well, that was the second worst mistake I've ever made! Two months and one incredibly insane run-in with my ex-in-laws later, I was sent packing. I won't EVEN go there. Just thinking about how crazy some people can be once you scratch the surface is really scary! (And I'm not talking about my in-laws.)
I thought long and hard before going out on another date, and yet, I found another emotionally confused man who SEEMED like a calm, laid-back type of guy (with two kids) who was well-dressed, smart, & quite the gentleman. THEN he started changing his mind every 5-6 hours as to whether or not he wanted to be with me. He even threw the "L" word out there a couple of times before breaking up with me, offering to "just be f*ck buddies", & then asking my permission to date my best friend. YIKES!!!!
Finally, I was out with my friend "BD" one night & met this really handsome, smart, well-dressed, and INCREDIBLY talented guy. We'll call him "TJ". He was tall, broad shouldered, super intelligent, well-spoken, well-dressed, adorably cute, & an amazing guitarist to boot. In fact, when I was younger I had followed one of his bands around a little bit & knew just how good he was! I was definitely impressed & kind of shocked that he took the time to flirt with me. (It turned out he thought I was much younger than I am - This turned out to be both a compliment and a devastating blow.) Again, he seemed like the calm, quiet type (because NO ONE honestly likes the loud & proud
type, guys, just in case you're wondering). And it was nice to have an intellectual conversation with someone of the opposite sex who shared some similar interests for once.
I had one of those little girl crushes right away. However, I was still completely reeling over the last nine months of dating debacles. I wasn't really ready for any type of serious dating relationship. I just wanted to be friends, feel it out, and see where it went. As calm, cool, & collected as TJ was, I could tell he had some secrets that deeply troubled him. He was nervous, skeptical, and pretty judgemental at times. The more time we spent together, the more comfortable he seemed drinking around me, and the more he drank, the more honest he was. There were a few times where he hinted at a long, lost love that he was somehow still (at least slightly, if not totally) in love with and apparently still had connections with. I'm no home wrecker. I wanted to feel out this whole "one that got away" situation and get to know him first. I began spending every weekend (and some weeknights) with TJ and his friends & I really grew to like them. I know it's cliche' and cheesy, but this group of people made me feel like I was on an episode of "Cheers" every time I was around them. Everybody really did "know my name" and they welcomed me with open arms. I felt right at home with them, and the more time I spent with TJ, the more I liked him.
"He brought out the best in me."
I was very careful not to get too close to TJ too fast, but let's face it. I was incredibly attracted to him, was absolutely ecstatic to have an intelligent conversation with a man who could keep up, and every time we saw each other I liked him even more. And the truth is, I REALLY need to have sex with SOMEONE. It might as well be someone I like, someone I know at least remotely, and someone I trust! I know men think women have this on/off switch and we can just shut down our sexual desires on command. That's not entirely true. In fact, men usually have a way of shutting that switch off FOR us so that we don't have to, but TJ had a way of turning me on like no one else ever had. It wasn't just pure sexual desire. There was (and I think still is) a certain respect between TJ and I, and quite honestly, I was a totally different person than I had been with EH or any other man when I was with TJ. He brought out the best in me. He made me want to let my true self shine. He had a way of knocking down my walls and letting me be myself. I'd never felt that way before, but his walls were much harder to crack than mine.
One night I just laid it all out on the line. TJ was mid-sentence talking about his lost love & what a terrible person he was for continuing to love her long after she had moved on and pursuing her when he shouldn't have., for spending time with me when he was still in love with her. (Red flag, I know.) I finally just took a shot, slammed the glass on the table, and laid one right on him. I kissed him long and hard, as if I thought my lips might fall off if I let go. I had never done anything like that before, especially not in a public place, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I was pleasantly surprised when he kissed me back, and he kept kissing me the rest of the night, until after five o'clock the next morning! I won't lie. In the back of my mind, I knew TJ was too good for me and that it would probably NEVER work, but that night was one of the most magical nights of my life.
I had NO CLUE how complicated it would get after that, but I was just enjoying the ride. I grew closer and closer to TJ's group of friends over the next month or two and I just never wanted it to end, but things were complicated. As much as I wanted to pretend they were simple and easy - that TJ and I were just "friends with benefits", I knew it wasn't that easy. I liked him more than he did me, and he was still in love with someone else. Then, one night it came to a head. I made the horrible mistake of trying to get more serious with TJ and he laid it on me - he couldn't be with someone who couldn't have children! OUCH!!!!
Needless to say, things got kind of weird after that. We still hung out, still had sex even, but those feelings of ecstasy & excitement - the joy of the "crush" was gone. It was no longer easy, no longer uncomplicated. In fact, it made me feel dirty. We were just f*ck buddies who occasionally sat around singing songs together. Looking back, we never went on a real date. We never gave each other titles like "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" (at least not when we were sober - which was rare). I had been kidding myself all along.
The thing that REALLY sucked about what was going on between TJ and I was that I had finally started to feel like I had found my "new normal". I was working regularly, had a routine, & had a brand new group of friends - TJ's friends. How could I walk away from him w/o walking away from them? And walking away from them meant walking away from the closest thing I had experienced to a "real life" in almost a year (longer if you consider the last 6 years of HELL).
More than losing TJ, I didn't want to lose the one thing I had to look forward to every week, hanging out with my "Cheers" gang. There was this whole long back story as to how this group of friends began about seven years ago. I knew I was an outsider, a secondary (if not tertiary) member of this band of misfits, but I wanted SO BADLY to remain, even if on the outskirts. The thought of starting over (again) was worse than the thought of losing TJ. I had finally found my new normal and was risking losing it. And if I thought THAT was going to be tough, something was about to happen to turn our entire world upside down. Talk about a new normal? How does a completely new universe sound?
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
A Brick Wall With a Touch of Crazy
After my divorce I still had a deep desire to know what was "wrong" with me, especially after discovering my ex-husband was pregnant with his girlfriend. Of course I had my doubts about the paternity of the baby (and still do), but it still left me with this huge looming mystery that plagued and tortured me. Could I be completely barren?
A few months after the divorce, I went to my doctor because I wasn't feeling well. I had a few "little things" that I thought she might want to look at and I thought it would give me the opportunity to sneak in a question regarding my fertility. It's like, "Hey Doc! How's it going? Well, let's see I have this knot above my eyebrow and this rash on my arm, and OH! By the way, I think I might be barren." I don't know what I expected...
My doctor thought I was crazy for asking fertility questions when my marriage was very recently dissolved and I had no prospects, no place of my own, and a crappy job. She was/is very aware of my personal history in addition to my health history. Her advice was to "come back when you're ready to start trying again and we'll talk about it then. Right now you need to focus on getting your life back on track." Bullocks!
Yes. I know that sounds like excellent advice for a divorcee with not even so much as a "bed buddy", much less a steady relationship, but I had a lot of anxiety about getting into a new relationship to begin with, much less not knowing if I could have children or not. In my eyes, what was the point in looking for someone new if I couldn't have children? Let's face it, 50% of all marriages end in divorce, and I'm honestly not all that keen on the idea of remarrying anyway. Men are gross. They pee in the floor, pass gas from both ends almost constantly, can rarely dress themselves for anything more than mowing the yard (which you often have to nag at them to do anyway), & they're completely clueless as to what women need/want from them. We have to spell it out for them & I'm just tired of being the teacher. What is the likelihood that I will find a guy that doesn't need training?
Okay, maybe I am being a little hard on those out there in the world sporting a "Y" chromosome, but you ladies have to admit that I'm not far off. Relationships take WORK, and a lot of it! I didn't want to have to work at it anymore. I wasted a third of my life with a 12-year-old selfish little boy trapped in Robo-Cop's body! Why the hell would I want to take the chance of allowing history to repeat itself? What I really wanted to know was fairly simple - Could I have children naturally? If the answer was "yes", then that "bed buddy" idea might actually be feasible! Those of you who have been where I was, you know how sometimes the most unconventional ideas start to sound like GREAT ideas. I'm not sure, at that point, if I would have actually gone through with any of those crazy ideas, but I had NO IDEA what was to come, and it was far beyond anything I could have ever imagined.
In the meantime I had to figure out how to get my life back on track...
THE SEARCH FOR A NEW NORMAL
A few months after the divorce, I went to my doctor because I wasn't feeling well. I had a few "little things" that I thought she might want to look at and I thought it would give me the opportunity to sneak in a question regarding my fertility. It's like, "Hey Doc! How's it going? Well, let's see I have this knot above my eyebrow and this rash on my arm, and OH! By the way, I think I might be barren." I don't know what I expected...
My doctor thought I was crazy for asking fertility questions when my marriage was very recently dissolved and I had no prospects, no place of my own, and a crappy job. She was/is very aware of my personal history in addition to my health history. Her advice was to "come back when you're ready to start trying again and we'll talk about it then. Right now you need to focus on getting your life back on track." Bullocks!
Yes. I know that sounds like excellent advice for a divorcee with not even so much as a "bed buddy", much less a steady relationship, but I had a lot of anxiety about getting into a new relationship to begin with, much less not knowing if I could have children or not. In my eyes, what was the point in looking for someone new if I couldn't have children? Let's face it, 50% of all marriages end in divorce, and I'm honestly not all that keen on the idea of remarrying anyway. Men are gross. They pee in the floor, pass gas from both ends almost constantly, can rarely dress themselves for anything more than mowing the yard (which you often have to nag at them to do anyway), & they're completely clueless as to what women need/want from them. We have to spell it out for them & I'm just tired of being the teacher. What is the likelihood that I will find a guy that doesn't need training?
Okay, maybe I am being a little hard on those out there in the world sporting a "Y" chromosome, but you ladies have to admit that I'm not far off. Relationships take WORK, and a lot of it! I didn't want to have to work at it anymore. I wasted a third of my life with a 12-year-old selfish little boy trapped in Robo-Cop's body! Why the hell would I want to take the chance of allowing history to repeat itself? What I really wanted to know was fairly simple - Could I have children naturally? If the answer was "yes", then that "bed buddy" idea might actually be feasible! Those of you who have been where I was, you know how sometimes the most unconventional ideas start to sound like GREAT ideas. I'm not sure, at that point, if I would have actually gone through with any of those crazy ideas, but I had NO IDEA what was to come, and it was far beyond anything I could have ever imagined.
In the meantime I had to figure out how to get my life back on track...
THE SEARCH FOR A NEW NORMAL
Sunday, July 15, 2012
A Blogging Miracle
JULY 16, 2012
A BLOGGING MIRACLE
I continued blogging. It was the ONLY way I could find any peace or encouragement concerning my IF. EH's mom, though she was my greatest confidant and the only person who even pretended to understand, talked about it CONSTANTLY, especially after EH's sister came up pregnant in 2010. I thought his sister being pregnant would get his mother off our case but it just made things worse. I love his mom SO MUCH but it got to the point where I couldn't even be around her. I even asked EH to talk to her about it because it made my depression about a million times worse. I had resigned to the fact that I would never have a child of my own, especially with EH. I couldn't talk about babies or even walk passed the diaper aisle without breaking down. I was incredibly unhappy and I just didn't see a way out of it.
I decided my original blog was just a bland, ignorant heap of hodgepodged thoughts and feelings - not to mention the website I was using was difficult to use, especially as far as personalization and security options. I decided it was best to just start over. I had recently connected with two old friends from college. They had married and had a baby who died from a very rare condition. They knew she would die either prior to or just after birth. As a means of dealing with the extreme anguish they had connected with several infant loss groups/websites. The most popular recommendation for healing therapy was blogging. The thought of reading my friends' blog scared me to death. If I were ever lucky enough to conceive, I just couldn't imagine that kind of pain. It was hard enough being barren, but to finally conceive and then to find out you were basically carrying a dead child, that would be unbearable. I honestly thought I would kill myself if I found myself in that position. However, I knew very little about "real" and effective blogging and I wanted to see what it was all about. The blog was amazing, insightful, and BEAUTIFUL. Their story was so touching. It was sad, of course, but their hope and zeal for life was truly inspiring. It revived me to see that if life was still worth living for them that it should be for me as well. In fact, they were trying for another baby (and I should mention they are now pregnant with baby #3). At that point I decided that I would not only start a new blog of my own but find other want-to-be mother-bloggers and subscribe to their blogs. I spoke to my friend about it and she said she couldn't agree more that I needed that kind of support.
I started the new blog sometime in 2011. Things were NOT good between EH and I at all and we were admittedly treating each other very poorly. We had both been exercising an extreme amount of indiscretion & disregard toward each other. I think we had both turned into bitter, angry, selfish people. We were very hardened toward each other. I'm not sure exactly when that started but it definitely wasn't something I was exactly aware of at the time. Yes, there were definitely times that I was obviously angry with him, but the existence of prolonged, sustained disdain and resentment for my husband was not apparent to me. I still loved him very much but I blamed him for our IF and I was blatantly lashing out at times. It was getting very nasty. We were both on the verge of a breakdown.
In mid-2011 a man named Josh Bellows began following my blog. He sent a comment that simply said that he thought he might be able to help me with my IF issues if I was willing to do him a favor in return. I know I could word that far better. NO Josh was not offering to be my "baby daddy". Ha ha! He was offering EH and I the opportunity of a lifetime, a chance at conceiving a baby on our own, together. Josh is one of the owners of a company called Hive Naturals. It's a family-owned company that specializes in (basically) natural supplements. The supplement they are most known for is a bee pollen derivative-based product called Bee Fertile. It's a supplement and royal jelly product that has worked for many couples to help them conceive. In fact, it helped Josh and his wife conceive. Josh offered a free 3-month supply of Bee Fertile to EH & I if I would simply keep them updated on our progress, give them a review of the product, and write about it all in my blog.
I should mention that my blog was 100% anonymous. EH didn't even know I had it. I explained this to Josh & he said that he would leave it up to me whether or not I revealed the blog to EH, but he did insist that EH know I was sharing our reviews & information and that he be okay with the the deal. I talked to EH and he said we could try it...
Long story short, while both EH and I were taking the product and were noticing positive physical results, we were still fighting constantly. The only time we didn't fight was during sex. Even then we would sometimes argue. Things were not going well between us but we thought if we could JUST get pregnant that perhaps we could put aside our petty differences, stop blaming each other, and finally look forward to the rest of our lives together.
I won't get into all the nasty details, but very shortly after we finished the 3-month supply of Bee Fertile, EH and I separated. A few weeks later, I discovered that he was already seeing someone else who was nearly 10 years younger than me. Shortly after that our divorce was final. The week of our divorce, I was looking through some bills and for some reason, a date on the calendar stood out to me. I stopped, did a count of days, and realized I had missed my period for two months. I just couldn't understand how I missed for TWO MONTHS and didn't notice. Then again, with the divorce, moving, and losing pretty much EVERYTHING, I guess I just didn't have the time to notice. I took three POS tests and all of them were inconclusive. The 2nd line on the test was so incredibly faint that I couldn't tell. I called EH to tell him and he handled it much better than I thought. It didn't mean we would get back together. That bridge was already burned. However, it did mean our lives could change drastically & that my child could potentially be subjected the juvenile antics of EH's girlfriend. I made an appointment with my doctor in about a week and we waited. A few days later, I started cramping really bad and assumed I was getting my period but it never came. I went to the doctor. We did a blood test and my HCG count was 22 but that didn't necessarily mean I was pregnant. They said to wait it out two weeks and come back for another test. In that two week time, I had a period and it was EXCRUCIATING! I assumed it was so bad because I had skipped two months. I went to the doctor two weeks later and had another blood test. My HCG level was zero so I called EH & told him it was over. Shortly after, I received an e-mail from his girlfriend (Sassy) telling me what a lying b*tch I was and I had better stay away from "her man" from now on.
About a month later I discovered Sassy was pregnant. I was devastated! At that point, I just KNEW that our IF was MY FAULT. There had to be something wrong with ME & I was determined to figure out what it was!
About a month later I discovered Sassy was pregnant. I was devastated! At that point, I just KNEW that our IF was MY FAULT. There had to be something wrong with ME & I was determined to figure out what it was!
The Bee Fertile, I had thought, was my ticket to Motherhood. It was going to fix all my problems. I never saw myself as one of those naive, ignorant women who believed bringing a baby into an already-troubled relationship would fix everything. I'm well aware of the stresses that raising children can bring. After all, I was raising EH's adopted daughter & helping to raise my nephew. We had three other people (including my sister) to contend with in our household. I had a whole house FULL of people (& pets) to take care of (including EH, who seemed to think a 40-hour work week was his only obligation to the family). Yet, for some CRAZY reason I wanted to bring yet ANOTHER person into this already dysfunctional family! I must have been out of my mind...
I was SO SO thankful I had started the blog and that Josh & Chavah from Hive Naturals had made the offer of the Bee Fertile kit. By the way, I don't think they just go handing out free $300 kits to just anyone. I don't want anyone to think that it's that easy for everyone. However, I've done a lot of research and Bee Fertile seems to work for almost every couple that uses it. (See the link to their website to your right.) In fact, it turned out to benefit both EH and me down the road...
A BRICK WALL WITH A TOUCH OF CRAZY....
I was SO SO thankful I had started the blog and that Josh & Chavah from Hive Naturals had made the offer of the Bee Fertile kit. By the way, I don't think they just go handing out free $300 kits to just anyone. I don't want anyone to think that it's that easy for everyone. However, I've done a lot of research and Bee Fertile seems to work for almost every couple that uses it. (See the link to their website to your right.) In fact, it turned out to benefit both EH and me down the road...
A BRICK WALL WITH A TOUCH OF CRAZY....
Back to the Drawing Board
BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD...
EH was incredibly (and unbelievably) resistant to visiting the doctor(s) together. I'm not sure what his feelings were. I can only speculate that he felt it was an insult to his manhood to ask him for a seminal analysis (SA). I started searching the Internet for alternative methods for diagnosing and treating infertility. I called other doctors to see if they would proceed with evaluating my infertility without seeing EH (at least right away). I wanted to rule out anything that could be wrong with me, thinking it would push EH to go through with the SA testing.
In late 2008 I found one doctor who agreed to see me. She was a little unorthodox, but she agreed to do a pelvic exam and give me a full consultation for her standard office visit fee ($85). She did a pelvic exam & sonogram/ultrasound of my abdomen. It was her "professional opinion" that my chronically heavy periods, in combination with a "severely tilted" (retroverted) uterus and several years of trying without any success gave me about a 10% chance of ever conceiving without medical intervention. She recommended getting EH tested & trying IVF (in vitro fertilization). I made this proposal to EH and he (again) resisted. A few days after the visit, I received a voicemail from the doctor's office telling me my Pap test came back with an abnormal result that gave them some concern. Upon returning the call, I discovered that the test results didn't necessarily mean anything at all. They were just reason for concern. They wanted me to go back for further testing, a cervical scrape, and a cancer screening. I talked to EH about it. He immediately asked how much it would cost (I didn't have health insurance).
I'm not sure what made me give up, but I did. I never scheduled the follow-up with the doctor and I never once questioned why I was getting an abnormal pap after being with EH for near five years. I never thought it would be HPV or anything like that so I didn't really see a reason to make things worse than they already were. I just figured that since cancer ran in my family it was pre-cancerous cells of some sort. Honestly, at that point, my mental state was not exactly stable. I was severely depressed and didn't feel like I could talk to EH about ANYTHING anymore. I just sort of shut down.
After several months of fighting about it, EH finally did agreed that if I would do the research, call the doctor, make the appointment, and go with him, that he would go for an exam and SA. Basically, I felt that he wanted me to do ALL the work (including "helping" him to fill the specimen cup). When he complained about the cost of IVF, that was it for me. I began to feel like he didn't want a baby as badly as I did and that he was basically trying to sabotage the whole thing. I was really hurt. :( I basically decided to do everything I could do on my own. EH did agree to take vitamins and a Zinc supplement to "help out" and I nagged at him to quit taking long, hot baths, to eat better, and to get more exercise.
Several months went by and things between EH and I were rough under the surface. We tried working on our relationship and ignoring the "elephant in the room" (the IF/baby issue) for the meantime. We wanted to remember why we loved each other, re-learn to be "in love" with each other, and just enjoy each other. We wanted sex to be fun again, not work. So, we focused on "us", but the baby issue was always on my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about it. In the meantime, I started back to school again to finish my bachelor's degree in 2009. My sister and her baby also moved in with us. Life just kept getting more and more chaotic and the distractions mounted. Life got so crazy that I just dropped the baby issue & began to pray for divine intervention. I figured it was my ONLY chance of ever having a baby. I kept up with the blog, periodically, but I started to sound like a broken record, always whining about how depressed and angry I was about being "infertile". BTW, if you don't already know, a couple is considered "infertile" if they try for a minimum of one year with no pregnancies. At this point, it had been FOUR YEARS, almost five. I hated sounding like a needy, whining bitch in my blog, but the blog turned out to be my salvation...
A BLOGGING MIRACLE ...
EH was incredibly (and unbelievably) resistant to visiting the doctor(s) together. I'm not sure what his feelings were. I can only speculate that he felt it was an insult to his manhood to ask him for a seminal analysis (SA). I started searching the Internet for alternative methods for diagnosing and treating infertility. I called other doctors to see if they would proceed with evaluating my infertility without seeing EH (at least right away). I wanted to rule out anything that could be wrong with me, thinking it would push EH to go through with the SA testing.
In late 2008 I found one doctor who agreed to see me. She was a little unorthodox, but she agreed to do a pelvic exam and give me a full consultation for her standard office visit fee ($85). She did a pelvic exam & sonogram/ultrasound of my abdomen. It was her "professional opinion" that my chronically heavy periods, in combination with a "severely tilted" (retroverted) uterus and several years of trying without any success gave me about a 10% chance of ever conceiving without medical intervention. She recommended getting EH tested & trying IVF (in vitro fertilization). I made this proposal to EH and he (again) resisted. A few days after the visit, I received a voicemail from the doctor's office telling me my Pap test came back with an abnormal result that gave them some concern. Upon returning the call, I discovered that the test results didn't necessarily mean anything at all. They were just reason for concern. They wanted me to go back for further testing, a cervical scrape, and a cancer screening. I talked to EH about it. He immediately asked how much it would cost (I didn't have health insurance).
I'm not sure what made me give up, but I did. I never scheduled the follow-up with the doctor and I never once questioned why I was getting an abnormal pap after being with EH for near five years. I never thought it would be HPV or anything like that so I didn't really see a reason to make things worse than they already were. I just figured that since cancer ran in my family it was pre-cancerous cells of some sort. Honestly, at that point, my mental state was not exactly stable. I was severely depressed and didn't feel like I could talk to EH about ANYTHING anymore. I just sort of shut down.
After several months of fighting about it, EH finally did agreed that if I would do the research, call the doctor, make the appointment, and go with him, that he would go for an exam and SA. Basically, I felt that he wanted me to do ALL the work (including "helping" him to fill the specimen cup). When he complained about the cost of IVF, that was it for me. I began to feel like he didn't want a baby as badly as I did and that he was basically trying to sabotage the whole thing. I was really hurt. :( I basically decided to do everything I could do on my own. EH did agree to take vitamins and a Zinc supplement to "help out" and I nagged at him to quit taking long, hot baths, to eat better, and to get more exercise.
Several months went by and things between EH and I were rough under the surface. We tried working on our relationship and ignoring the "elephant in the room" (the IF/baby issue) for the meantime. We wanted to remember why we loved each other, re-learn to be "in love" with each other, and just enjoy each other. We wanted sex to be fun again, not work. So, we focused on "us", but the baby issue was always on my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about it. In the meantime, I started back to school again to finish my bachelor's degree in 2009. My sister and her baby also moved in with us. Life just kept getting more and more chaotic and the distractions mounted. Life got so crazy that I just dropped the baby issue & began to pray for divine intervention. I figured it was my ONLY chance of ever having a baby. I kept up with the blog, periodically, but I started to sound like a broken record, always whining about how depressed and angry I was about being "infertile". BTW, if you don't already know, a couple is considered "infertile" if they try for a minimum of one year with no pregnancies. At this point, it had been FOUR YEARS, almost five. I hated sounding like a needy, whining bitch in my blog, but the blog turned out to be my salvation...
A BLOGGING MIRACLE ...
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