After my divorce I still had a deep desire to know what was "wrong" with me, especially after discovering my ex-husband was pregnant with his girlfriend. Of course I had my doubts about the paternity of the baby (and still do), but it still left me with this huge looming mystery that plagued and tortured me. Could I be completely barren?
A few months after the divorce, I went to my doctor because I wasn't feeling well. I had a few "little things" that I thought she might want to look at and I thought it would give me the opportunity to sneak in a question regarding my fertility. It's like, "Hey Doc! How's it going? Well, let's see I have this knot above my eyebrow and this rash on my arm, and OH! By the way, I think I might be barren." I don't know what I expected...
My doctor thought I was crazy for asking fertility questions when my marriage was very recently dissolved and I had no prospects, no place of my own, and a crappy job. She was/is very aware of my personal history in addition to my health history. Her advice was to "come back when you're ready to start trying again and we'll talk about it then. Right now you need to focus on getting your life back on track." Bullocks!
Yes. I know that sounds like excellent advice for a divorcee with not even so much as a "bed buddy", much less a steady relationship, but I had a lot of anxiety about getting into a new relationship to begin with, much less not knowing if I could have children or not. In my eyes, what was the point in looking for someone new if I couldn't have children? Let's face it, 50% of all marriages end in divorce, and I'm honestly not all that keen on the idea of remarrying anyway. Men are gross. They pee in the floor, pass gas from both ends almost constantly, can rarely dress themselves for anything more than mowing the yard (which you often have to nag at them to do anyway), & they're completely clueless as to what women need/want from them. We have to spell it out for them & I'm just tired of being the teacher. What is the likelihood that I will find a guy that doesn't need training?
Okay, maybe I am being a little hard on those out there in the world sporting a "Y" chromosome, but you ladies have to admit that I'm not far off. Relationships take WORK, and a lot of it! I didn't want to have to work at it anymore. I wasted a third of my life with a 12-year-old selfish little boy trapped in Robo-Cop's body! Why the hell would I want to take the chance of allowing history to repeat itself? What I really wanted to know was fairly simple - Could I have children naturally? If the answer was "yes", then that "bed buddy" idea might actually be feasible! Those of you who have been where I was, you know how sometimes the most unconventional ideas start to sound like GREAT ideas. I'm not sure, at that point, if I would have actually gone through with any of those crazy ideas, but I had NO IDEA what was to come, and it was far beyond anything I could have ever imagined.
In the meantime I had to figure out how to get my life back on track...
THE SEARCH FOR A NEW NORMAL
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