Back to the Drawing Board

BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD...

EH was incredibly (and unbelievably) resistant to visiting the doctor(s) together. I'm not sure what his feelings were. I can only speculate that he felt it was an insult to his manhood to ask him for a seminal analysis (SA).   I started searching the Internet for alternative methods for diagnosing and treating infertility.  I called other doctors to see if they would proceed with evaluating my infertility without seeing EH (at least right away). I wanted to rule out anything that could be wrong with me, thinking it would push EH to go through with the SA testing.  

In  late 2008 I found one doctor who agreed to see me. She was a little unorthodox, but she agreed to do a pelvic exam and give me a full consultation for her standard office visit fee ($85).  She did a pelvic exam & sonogram/ultrasound of my abdomen.  It was her "professional opinion" that my chronically heavy periods, in combination with a "severely tilted" (retroverted) uterus and several years of trying without any success gave me about a 10% chance of ever conceiving without medical intervention.  She recommended getting EH tested & trying IVF (in vitro fertilization).  I made this proposal to EH and he (again) resisted.  A few days after the visit, I received a voicemail from the doctor's office telling me my Pap test came back with an abnormal result that gave them some concern. Upon returning the call, I discovered that the test results didn't necessarily mean anything at all. They were just reason for concern. They wanted me to go back for further testing, a cervical scrape, and a cancer screening.  I talked to EH about it.  He immediately asked how much it would cost (I didn't have health insurance).  

I'm not sure what made me give up, but I did.  I never scheduled the follow-up with the doctor and I never once questioned why I was getting an abnormal pap after being with EH for near five years.  I never thought it would be HPV or anything like that so I didn't really see a reason to make things worse than they already were. I just figured that since cancer ran in my family it was pre-cancerous cells of some sort.  Honestly, at that point, my mental state was not exactly stable.  I was severely depressed and didn't feel like I could talk to EH about ANYTHING anymore.  I just sort of shut down.

After several months of fighting about it, EH finally did agreed that if I would do the research, call the doctor, make the appointment, and go with him, that he would go for an exam and SA.  Basically, I felt that he wanted me to do ALL the work (including "helping" him to fill the specimen cup). When he complained about the cost of IVF, that was it for me.   I began to feel like he didn't want a baby as badly as I did and that he was basically trying to sabotage the whole thing.  I was really hurt. :(  I basically decided to do everything I could do on my own.  EH did agree to take vitamins and a Zinc supplement to "help out" and I nagged at him to quit taking long, hot baths, to eat better, and to get more exercise. 





Several months went by and things between EH and I were rough under the surface.  We tried working on our relationship and ignoring the "elephant in the room" (the IF/baby issue) for the meantime.   We wanted to remember why we loved each other, re-learn to be "in love" with each other, and just enjoy each other.  We wanted sex to be fun again, not work.  So, we focused on "us", but the baby issue was always on my mind.  I couldn't stop thinking about it.  In the meantime, I started back to school again to finish my bachelor's degree in 2009.  My sister and her baby also moved in with us.  Life just kept getting more and more chaotic and the distractions mounted. Life got so crazy that I just dropped the baby issue & began to pray for divine intervention. I figured it was my ONLY chance of ever having a baby.  I kept up with the blog, periodically, but I started to sound like a broken record, always whining about how depressed and angry I was about being "infertile".  BTW, if you don't already know, a couple is considered "infertile" if they try for a minimum of one year with no pregnancies.  At this point, it had been FOUR YEARS, almost five.  I hated sounding like a needy, whining bitch in my blog, but the blog turned out to be my salvation...

A BLOGGING MIRACLE ...