Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The End of the World As We Know It

By the end of June things were really rocky between TJ & I.   I wasn't going to all of the weekly jam sessions, wasn't going out much at all, and I was starting to come down with the Flu or some kind of bug. My heart rate was high. My blood pressure was up. I was nauseous, and my blood sugar was all out of whack (I'm hypoglycemic).  I was in a HUGE funk and things between TJ and I were NOT helping at all.  We tried to stay friends, tried to be amicable, but it was just a mess. In fact, I found out later that he was planning to break it off with me completely very soon, but that didn't come out until after catastrophe struck.

July 2, 2012 - I was at work.  I kept every single goal - large or small- on my Outlook Calendar on my work computer.  I had been super busy lately, completely overwhelmed with work.  I had also been pretty sick as of late and was having difficulty keeping up with my long list of overdue tasks.  I had a few extra minutes that afternoon so I decided to sort through my calendar to see what tasks/goals I needed to focus on in the upcoming weeks.  I rolled back to April and started slowly scrolling through the dates.  I got to May 30th and saw a big red "P".  A lightbulb went off, my stomach dropped, a felt faint, & I think I may have even lost consciousness for a split second.  I scrolled down to June. No "P". July - no "P". SHIT!

I almost RAN to my friend's cubicle. (We'll call her Blondie.) "Blondie, I missed my period!"  She kind of stared at me with her huge doe eyes.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes! I keep track on my calendar. It's July 2nd!  My last period was May 30th! Shit! TJ is gonna flip a f*cking lid!"

"Oh my God! You need to take a test before you do anything."

"No shit! It's not like I can leave work to do it. There are over two hours left before I can leave. I'm a nervous wreck! This can't be happening! How many times have I been told I would likely never get pregnant? How many times did the doctors say it wouldn't happen? This can NOT be happening, not now!"

"Calm down! You've been sick & stressed out. Maybe it's just like before, like back in December when you missed before.  Don't jump to conclusions."

As soon as I left work, I bought a pregnancy test and went looking for a restroom. I worked 27 miles from my house & I wasn't waiting 30 minutes to take this test! I went to the tanning salon almost every day after work so I went there just like I did every other day and asked to use the restroom before I tanned. As soon as the pee hit the stick, that "pregnant" line showed up - before the standard line even did!!! I took out the other test and did it again - same thing. OH MY GOD! I didn't know what to do.

I called my mom bawling.  My mother and I don't exactly have the best relationship, but the best thing she could have done at that time was exactly what she did. She reminded me that I had gone the last decade believing I would never have kids and now I was pregnant. Regardless of how I felt about it, this was a BLESSING. I was pregnant!!!  I thought it would never happen & it did! I should be HAPPY about it!

I knew the next step was to tell TJ. My stomach dropped. At that point it really didn't matter how I felt, because I knew how he would feel and it would NOT be good!!!


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