Wednesday, August 29, 2012

A New Normal - Part 2

Comparing my life now to what it was a year ago, NOTHING is the same. Everything has changed from my weight, to my job, to my lifestyle and friends.  I was married, had a house and a dog, was raising my stepdaughter and nephew, and had what I thought was a close-knit, tight group of friends.  I was a trophy-winning demo derby queen, spent my summers riding horses and building derby cars, and was trying to get pregnant with my husband, who I spent eight years with and had known most of my life.  I was finishing my bachelors degree in Business and had only been working my new job for a few months but really liked it.

My daily schedules were pretty much set in stone.  I worked until 5pm Mon-Fri. Picked SJ up from Milly's after work.  Sometimes I would have to pick up my nephew, Lil G, from the sitter if my sister was working.  When we got home, SJ would start on homework while I started supper. Then, SJ and G would play until bath time.  Sometimes SJ would have a TON of homework (because she has issues with staying on task at school) so she would skip playtime and finish up.  While the kids played and bathed I would do homework or work on Relay for Life projects and then get them to bed.  Sometimes my sister would get home before G was ready to lie down so she would handle baby duty while I cleaned or did homework. 

Three days a week, I had Zumba.  I would go from 6-7:30pm.  EH was off one of the days I went and Milly would watch the kids the other days, or my sister would, depending on whether she worked.  In fact, my sister's work schedule was the ONLY variable in my life.  Everything else was pretty much constant.  EH would get home at 11:26pm sharp every night.  He wanted to sit on the computer for an hour or so when he got home.  If I had homework, he would get mad that he couldn't get on the computer and he would ask me "how much longer" over and over until I finished (or just gave up because I was tired of him nagging at me).  Then, we would go to bed.  There was no point in me going to bed before EH got home.  He would come home every night and wake me up.  I don't think he did it on purpose.  He's just kind of like a big gorilla. He can't help it, but he could help sitting up watching TV in bed every night, which he felt was absolutely necessary.

"I loved having children in my life every single day."

As annoying as all of that sounds, I miss it sometimes. At least I actually HAD a "normal", a routine.  I knew what to expect every day.  Now, none of that is true.  Even though my old life lent me very little time to myself, I liked that I had people who needed me and depended on me, especially the kids. I LOVED having children in my life every single day.  It made me not hate myself quite so much for waiting so long to have my own or for being infertile.  Even though my husband controlled my every move & complained about every single thing I did, I still miss him sometimes, and I miss being someone's wife, someone's everything.  As much as he mistreated me, I was his entire world.  Granted, he OBSESSED over me, which isn't healthy. I would NEVER go back to him.  He's a sadistic, controlling mama's boy, but I never doubted how much he loved me and I always knew I had someone to go home to, someone who would never leave me.  Even in the Hell I was living in, that was a comfort to me.

"... I never know from one day to the next where I'll be sleeping..."

My life now is so entirely different.  It's pretty much the opposite of my old life.  I don't make many plans. I'm jobless.  I'm finished with school.  No one depends on me, though my grandma does ask me to help out with the heavy cleaning (she has a bad back).  EH kept one cat. Sassy made him get rid of it, but they still have the dog & I got to keep the other cat.  He's at my mom's.  I rarely cook. When I do, it's just for my and Grandma, or whichever guy I'm dating.  I even drive a different car! Most of the friends EH and I shared don't talk to me.  I have moved to a different town, though it's nearby.  I've lost 40+ pounds (depression), if you exclude the 14 pounds I gained while I was pregnant.  I dress differently. I wear jewelry now, and I never leave the house without fixing my hair and make-up.  I wear skinny jeans, sexy shirts, and EARRINGS!  EH would never let me wear earrings before.  Most of my friends live in a town 25 miles from my old home and I stay with them more than I stay home.  In fact, I never know from one day to the next where I'll be sleeping so I have taken to keeping a bag in my car with extra clothes, toiletries, and make-up.  I can't afford Zumba.  Instead, I go to the bars and flirt for free drinks. (Haha - just kidding... sort of.)  I have started singing in an open mic group on Thursdays.  It's my new church and the highlight of my week.  In fact, my spiritual outlook has completely changed - everything has.

SJ is living with her maternal grandmother because apparently she doesn't get along with EH's girlfriend (Sassy) and Milly can't afford to keep her.  SJ's mother has four children who were all raised by their fathers.  SJ, of course, isn't EH's biological daughter but he has raised her since she was six weeks old.  He is her father for all intensive purposes, but even she isn't immune to Sassy's wrath.  I think the straw that broke the camel's back was when SJ's phone was at EH's house and Sassy's little brother was messing with it.  He texted me and called me a "hore" (he meant whore of course). At that point, SJ pretty much backed away from EH and Sassy entirely, and Milly encouraged it.  Milly would keep her if she could but her husband is disabled and doesn't work.  Aside from keeping up with work and the bills, she has to care for him. She can't add an 11-year-old to the mix.  When she does have SJ, she always lets me know so I can see her, and the only time I have been able to speak to EH since the divorce is when he calls SJ when we're together. She plays the mediator. It's a shame we can't talk, but Sassy ruined that too.

For some reason, Sassy is incredibly threatened by me. It's a LOOONNNNGGG story that I may have to detail in a separate page.  She forced EH to block my number on his cell phone and has even gone so far as to physically threaten me.  Last I checked, she was the 21-year-old dating a married man nearly 10 years older than her and I was that man's wife.  But who am I to say how she feels? I've never been desperate enough to be in that position.  I don't know how I would react if the man I stole was still talking to the woman I stole him from.  The sad part is, in the few times we were able to talk before Sassy put her foot down, EH and I got along really well, like friends almost.  I'm not saying I would trust him again or even consider ever getting back with him, but I could see us having an amicable relationship if not for her.

Like I said, most of my old friends no longer speak to me.  Our best "couple" friends were a husband and wife who did the derby stuff with us. They don't speak to me. In fact, I'm certain the wife would kick my ass if she could and the husband put an ad for EH on Facebook trying to find him a "new woman" prior to us even separating.

The one thing I got out of the divorce was my car, Gigi.  I LOVED that car, but the maintenance and repairs got to be too expensive. That's what I get for driving a "sports sedan" I suppose.  I spent over $1400 in six months on repairs, tires, etc. I just couldn't do it anymore. The other asset I was awarded from the divorce was a pair of testicles. LOL.  I called the owner of the dealership where I had purchased my car just two years prior and demanded he make it right.  I walked away the next day with a compact sedan with a bumper-to-bumper warranty, 40 mpg, and paying only $20 more per month for a car two years newer.  Granted, being unemployed, that car payment SUCKS but it's better than paying almost the same payment on a car that is always breaking down.

My sister and Lil G have their own place now.  G is in pre-K and growing up SO FAST. Every time I see him, it seems like he's learned 10 new things and grown an inch!  His mom is still working at the same place she was when she and G lived with EH and me.  She has been there for a year and a half and received a decent raise. Her boss really seems to like her and from what I can tell she is the only regular employee there who has half a brain.  I miss seeing G every day, but it's definitely good that he and his mom are doing it on their own!  I was worried she would never grow up and that I would raise him his entire life.  The thing that tortures me is that every time I see him, I can't help but to think of EH.  He was the closest thing G will probably ever have to a father figure and now they never see each other.  After Sassy pulled all of her bullshit, my sis made the decision to keep G away from EH entirely, for the most part.  She does allow him to go watch the derbies and to see EH when they do go.

The demo derbies are (for now) a thing of the past for me.  Some of EH's old friends have come to me and told me that he is burning bridges.  He was fired from his job at the Sheriff's office, which has made several people see that I wasn't full of shit when I said some shady stuff was going on there.  I also found out that he confessed infidelity to one of his friends, with a girl he worked with at the jail.  I cornered her once and she swore nothing happened. I believed her then, but I don't guess it matters now.  EH has stabbed a lot of people in the back or turned his back on them since he got involved with Sassy.  They're not going to tolerate it.  I've never asked anyone to choose sides and I think that has helped to speak for my own integrity.  Some of them have come to me and offered to help me build a derby car.  Obviously, with the pregnancy right in the middle of the summer, that wasn't going to happen, but I'm considering it for next year.  Hopefully I'll have a job and be able to afford it.  For the meantime, I still go to watch and I've managed to keep the peace with all of EH's derby buddies (so far). I can't attest to what they may be feeling or how they may act in the future.  At this rate, he may not have any friends left by next year.

I have two good friends left from back home (Missy & Beth), both women, surprisingly enough.  One of my best friends from kindergarten and another girlfriend I went to junior high with and befriended later in life have stuck by me.  Everyone else has either moved away or fallen along the wayside.  I've never been one that needs a lot of friends. I just need a few that will be faithful.  That's a hard thing to find in this life, but tragic life events (like divorce) tend to do the weeding for you. 

"It's easy for me to love people who accept their humanity..."

My new friends are all great people, mostly guys.  I don't completely trust all of them. Obviously, the trust factor is kind of a difficult thing for me.  But I do have a few people who have befriended me that I absolutely adore. Only time will tell if they are lifelong friend material!  A good chunk of them are in my open mic group.  TJ is one of them, believe it or not.  I love him, in a special kind of way.  It's not a romantic love as much as it is a deep respect and admiration for someone who stuck with me in the hardest time of my life.  He's so brilliant, and usually honest, yet still deeply scarred and timid, and incredibly selfish at times, but he's admittedly human.  It's easy for me to love people who accept their humanity and don't hide from it behind a veil of superiority or the shadow of the spotlight.  The other two are Harper and Mayzy.  I could sit and talk music and lyrics with Harper for days (& we really like getting drunk together too).  He's a great lyricist, and not at all the type of person I would have befriended before.  He's basically a hippie, but he showers.  Mayzy is one of those women who pierces your soul with a single glance.  She's so... vivacious, full of life, and deeply spiritual - not in a religious way, more in a human way.  She captures the essence of humanity in her words, her music, and her ability to love people so openly.

Of course, there are others.  Ken is TJ's best friend for all intensive purposes.  He and his girlfriend, Barbie, bring a little class to the group.  There's Bobby, who used to run open mic. He's a little A.D.D and extremely easy to piss off, but he's really an amazing guy deep down. He has a strong spirit and a good soul. He's an amazing guitarist, singer, and performer. He's recorded several songs with TJ and some of the others.  I put my arm through his kitchen window and (partly thanks to TJ), he never mentioned once to me what an idiot I was for doing it.  Someone once spilled wine on my carpet and I almost kicked his ass over it. A broken window would have resulted in murder I'm sure.  TJ paid for the broken window (it was only like $50) and Bobby never mentioned it to me, not even once.  Frog is a true hippie.  He backpacked across the country in his 20's, and his occupational/recreational activities are.. questionable at best, not that I'm judging. To each his own.  Frog also happens to be Harper's roommate, so we have jammed together on several occasions and even written some lyrics together from time to time.

Other than Thursday night open mic night, I have no plans.  I go to my doctor appointments as scheduled, show up for family events, eat lunch with my current boyfriend's family once a week (usually), and that's about it.  Depending on where I wake up, I might do some cleaning. (Can I just mention how GROSS men are?) I wake up whenever I want. I only set an alarm if I'm afraid I'll miss a job interview or doctor's appointment. I usually try to schedule those later in the day and avoid drinking the night before (no Friday appointments, obviously).  Most of my friends are usually sleeping, hungover (both), or working when I wake up so I work on the blog, nose on Facebook, and look for jobs.  Sometimes I'll sit and write in my journal or go over my finances obsessively (since I'm always wondering where my next meal will come from).  If it weren't for Grandma and my friends, I would be out on the street and sober.

Today I am at the boyfriend's apartment.  It's almost 4pm and I haven't showered yet.  He'll be home soon and I should really not be sitting on his couch all skanky when he gets here.  I spent the morning on the phone with the doctor's office and I'm kind of in a rut today so I've just been sitting here on the computer the rest of the day. I supposed I'd better get going.

Next time I'll try to explain the whole "Sassy" situation on a separate page or the Bee Fertile synopsis.  The only other thing I need to update is my latest doctor's appointment and after spending half the morning on the phone with them, I really don't feel like it right now. In the meantime, I'm still searching for a new normal...

To be continued...


  1. Between the blog-hacking, the controlling behavior, and the cheating (oh and don't forget the lovely barely-legal girlfriend...ugh), I'm SO glad you're away from him. Financially it must be nearly impossible, but you sound happier even with all the instability and heartbreak of the past few months.

    Your new friends sound...diverse, haha. But in a good way. You seem headstrong enough not to let some of the, what did you call them, "questionable" activities affect you. :P Have fun, it's long overdue! There's something to be said about leaving that comfort zone (the 9-5 scheduled lifestyle you had before) and doing something totally different. Sure it wasn't planned, sure it's hard, and you have every right and reason to miss how things used to be (even if they were dysfunctional) but this opportunity to learn about yourself and do things for YOU for once? Amazing. And maybe I just don't remember from your previous blog, but I didn't know you wrote lyrics or that you sing! That's fricken awesome :D

    I feel you on the rut - I've been in one myself lately (as should be obvious on my blog, haha) - so be easy on yourself and take care. <3

  2. Jackie - I always love reading your thoughts because they help to round out my own thoughts/feelings about my own experiences. My new group of friends are very diverse. What's funny is even within my individual "groups" of friends, they are very different and yet similar in a lot of ways. One thing I said to TJ a few weeks ago was that the only thing all of us have in common for certain is that we are all deeply scarred in some way.

    I also agree that I am much better off (and happier) than I was before. I'm happier than I have ever been my entire life! I can't remember ever being so free. It's incredibly liberating and I absolutely love it!

    I'm thinking a lot about you and your situation. Your life hasn't been a piece of cake either and you've been suffering a lot of bullshit so I keep you in my thoughts and hope you're able to find some nuggets of joy between the rock and the hard place!