The Storm

A few days went by and I still felt fine. I was still sleeping more than I did before I was pregnant, but I was able to do just about anything anyone else could do (except have sex). That was a serious frustration for me because I felt normal, for the most part. Monday was a different story. I woke up with those nagging pains in my back again. It couldn't have been worse timing. The family would start coming in from North Carolina, Indiana, etc TOMORROW. The pain was unbearable, far worse than it had been two weeks prior. I called Dr. C's office to see if they could call in a prescription for the Vicodin he had promised. The nurse explained that it couldn't be called in but she would get with Dr. C to discuss the possibility of me picking up a written prescription from the office. It meant driving 25 miles to pick it up, but it was worth it! I could load up on Tylenol long enough to get to the pharmacy.

"I'm sorry but that is your only option."

 

The nurse called back FIVE HOURS later and suggested I go to the ER. I explained that I hadn't taken the Cytotec, the miscarriage had re-started on its own. She still insisted I needed to be SEEN to get the prescription. REALLY? I had just been seen a few days prior and he told me that once I started miscarrying again I could get Vicodin if I needed it. Chi could testify to that fact. The nurse said, "I'm sorry but that is your only option." Like Hell it was! I would NOT sit in that ER for another seven hours just so they could tell me what I already knew; not to mention that I took the risk of running into that ER U/S tech again. They would undoubtedly want me to get an U/S in the ER, and I would KILL that bitch! 

 

The previous trip to the ER had left me sitting in my own blood and in a lot of pain for five hours before I was ever seen! I was in far more pain and passing clots the size of my fist! There was no way I would sit in the ER for HOURS feeling like this! I was pissed. I told the nurse, "Ya know what? I can get my own damn pain meds. Thanks for all your help!". I hung up on her. Then, I called the main number for that medical group and asked to get in with a different doctor ASAP. The soonest they could get me in was Friday... I'm not proud of this fact, but I know people, who know people who take medicine for chronic pain management. I was able to get pain meds on Wednesday (two days later) that got me through until I was able to see my new doctor on Friday.

"I knew I would be able to handle it, that it wouldn't kill me, and that I would need to be alone when it happened. "

 I continued to pass clots the rest of the week. Some were HUGE. At one point, I literally had to PUSH out a clot about the size of an orange. I could feel my cervix stretching and the sharp pains in my lower back were nearly unbearable. There were a few times I thought I might pass out, and I was alone most of the time during that week. I think that's what forced me to keep it together and NOT pass out, the fact that I knew no one would be there to help. After I passed the large clot, I couldn't help but to look at it. It was somewhat difficult to see because the water in the toilet was an orangy-red and cloudy but it looked kind of like an internal organ. I've seen some organ tissues before and it did look quite similar, but it was kind of oval and wrinkled, like a giant raisin. I'm assuming that was the larger of the "sacs".

At that moment, hunched over the toilet, staring at what I had once thought would be my son/daughter, I started crying. I hadn't cried much since we initially recieved the news. I felt very conflicted as to whether I should try to save the tissue or just flush it. It seems SO WRONG to flush it, but then I remembered what TJ said. He said, according to his research, the baby was never really formed. It was just tissue, no worse than flushing away a blood clot passed during a heavy period. TJ had gone to school for journalism. He is an excellent researcher. I'm certain he researches EVERYTHING - from what kind of underwear he should wear to all the baby research he was doing. In fact, his research was a comfort to me as we were going through this mess. The truth was, it WAS an unplanned pregnancy. We WERE just friends with priviledges. And as I said before, my body knows what is best for me. I don't know that I would be able to carry twins, and these twins would have most likely had a lot of physical complications juding from the slow growth of the sacs/embryos. We're still not even sure that the larger sac even had an embryo. Trans-vaginal ultrasounds are not an exact science. There's no way to know for sure what happened inside my uterus, but what TJ and all the health professionals were telling me was that this lump of tissue was not my child and this was not my fault. "Baby J" was more of an apirition, a spirit, a spiritual connection between me and what might have been. I had to think that way, at least for a few seconds, while I held down the lever on the toilet. And even as I was thinking that and psyching myself out, I still said goodbye to BJ. I think my spirit needed to say goodbye, and I think I needed to be alone to do it. 

 

I still don't believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that we are preconditioned to behave in certain ways. I believe that I know myself and my body better than anyone else. I knew I would be able to handle it, that it wouldn't kill me, and that I would need to be alone when it happened. I find solice in that.

I saw Dr. S that Friday. I went alone, and I was completely honest with her. I explained that, since Monday, I had taken over 60 Tylenol, 32 Midol, 30+ Motrin, and three 7/750 Vicodin that I had gotten "from a friend". I had no idea what to expect. I thought she might call the cops. I had never done anything like this before, much less would I normally tell anyone! She asked me why the other doctor wouldn't give me pain medication and I recounted what happened on Monday. Dr. S was livid! She pulled my chart and noted that the previous doctor had never ordered a blood type or done a pelvic exam, which is one of the first things they do for pregnant women. Blood typing is to test for Rh factor. I told her that my blood type was AB positive and asked if she needed to know TJ's type. She then informed me that if the mother has a positive blood type the father's type doesn't matter. (I didn't know this before so I was relieved to hear that Rh was neither a factor in my miscarriage, nor anything I will have to worry about in the future.)

 "The worst is finally over"

Dr. S ordered another U/S to see if everything had come out. If the U/S looked clear, they would have to do a pelvic exam to see what was causing the continued pain. The U/S looked fine, so I stripped down for my new doctor. Upon inspection it seemed a piece of uterine tissue had attached to the inside wall of my cervix. It would have to be removed. Dr. S warned me it could be quite painful and there wouldn't be a local anesthetic. I figured after all the pain I had already been through and the meds I was doped up on I would be fine. WRONG! It hurt like a.....

Well, you get the point. She wrote me a prescription for Vicodin and an antibiotic to prevent infection where the tissue had been removed. Then, they drew another HCG quant to monitor my hormone levels. She said she wanted to watch my HCG until it was back down to zero and explained I could go back to my normal activities (including exercise and SEX) after my hormone levels dropped. I would have to have blood work done every week until then. Then she put her hand on my shoulder and said, "The worst is finally over."

A NEW NORMAL - PART 2