The Calm Before the Storm

By the end of the day on July 23rd, most of the bleeding had stopped and the pain was moderate, if not minimal.  I honestly thought the worst of it was over.  Yes. I was still experiencing some pain and spotting, but it hadn't been near as bad as what I had been told it could be.  I counted myself lucky to have lived through it, and with no pain medication. 

"It was the worst possible time to be getting a call like this"

The next morning I received a call for a job interview.  I had been seeking a second job for quite some time. It was the worst possible time to be getting a call like this.  The woman who called explained that if I couldn't make an interview on Wednesday (July 25th) that I wouldn't be considered for the position.  Hearing this, I felt I had no choice but to explain what was happening.  The woman still wanted me to interview if I felt up to it so we scheduled the interview for Wednesday morning with the understanding that I may have to call and cancel, passing up the opportunity if need be.  My doctor had taken me off bed rest, stating that bed rest would only prolong a miscarriage.  He wanted me to keep to my normal routine as possible and do whatever I felt I could do, take it day by day.  I figured if I could spend five hours sitting in an ER waiting room I could attend a 30-minute interview.  I would have my grandmother drive me and go back to bed when I got home.

Tuesday morning (July 26th) I called the OB clinic and spoke to a nurse. I explained that I had passed several clots and the spotting was very light now and most of the pain had subsided.  She said it was most likely that I had miscarried. I asked if I needed to bump up my August 1st appointment with Dr C to an earlier date and she said it wasn't necessary. 

Since I was still experiencing some pain and was having a difficult time dealing with it emotionally, I figured it was okay to wait it out.  After all, the longer it took me to be released from the doctor, the longer I could have off work so that I could learn to handle it emotionally; not to mention there were a lot of underlying issues at work... 

"You should probably take care of it before it kills you."

I had recently covered an 8-week maternity leave for my team leader.  The entire time she was pregnant, she complained about it.  All I ever heard was how bad it was to be pregnant, how miserable she was.  I jumped her case about it once, telling her a million women would trade her places in a heartbeat and she should be thankful not only that she can even GET pregnant but that her baby is healthy.  She knew the trouble EH and I had faced with IF and yet she felt it was okay to complain about being pregnant right in front of me?  And to add insult to injury, I was the fortunate soul who was covering her maternity leave! Fantastic!  She was already back from leave before I found out I was pregnant, but just barely.  But surprisingly enough, she was probably the most supportive concerning my pregnancy.

There was another woman who worked in another department and sat at my lunch table with Blondie and another friend.  She had experienced a miscarriage a year prior.  She thought she knew everything about, well, EVERYTHING, but especially my life for some reason.  I honestly think she was jealous of me, but I'm not sure why.  As soon as I had the slightest problem (like the dehydration on July 5th), she started saying really cruel things about my pregnancy.  She said I was "probably going to miscarry anyway."  She once told me that it was "probably a tubal pregnancy" and, "You should probably take care of it before it kills you." She talked constantly about how her baby "looked like a little piece of liver" and how she was "only eight weeks along" when she lost it. Then, she had the nerve to tell me, "It's not even a real baby at that age.  It's not like it has a heartbeat or anything." I nearly snapped! I had to leave the room. I had dealt with it for weeks and just couldn't do it anymore.  I apologized to my friends but I couldn't stand being around that woman anymore so I started going to lunch at a different time just to avoid her.

Then, there was the HR manager.  She had been a hateful bitch to me from day one. It was like she was constantly waiting for me to mess up.  I could make the slightest mistake and she was the first one to jump my case for it. The worst of it was that she reprimanded me for mistakes that I saw my team leader and other long-standing employees making all the time.  My team leader "scheduled" her lunch breaks with her friends in other departments via email almost every day.  A sent an email to a co-worker ONE TIME to let her know how much she owed for take-out and was called into the HR office for it and reprimanded.  That's just one of a dozen examples I could give.  When I discovered I was pregnant, I was afraid to tell her.  I told my supervisor and team leader and they said they would handle HR for me.  I was never so relieved.  Then, on July 5th when I had to leave work early to go to the ER, both my supervisor and team leader were on the phone so I went to the HR manager to tell her I was leaving.  Her response was "Fine. Go."  When I returned to work, her question was "What do you mean 'high risk'?  You're still going to be coming to work, right?"  She never once asked how I was feeling.  Somehow, she caught wind of the interview I went on while on medical leave "due to illness".  She called me, pretended to be checking in, and then fired me. She accused me of lying, insinuating that I lied about my pregnancy and miscarriage, and FIRED me.  That's just what I needed after discovering I was unexpectedly pregnant with a man who doesn't love me and going through the pain and turmoil of a miscarriage!!!  My common sense was telling me to be upset - to freak out.  Granted, I did give the Dragon Lady a piece of my mind, but I really didn't react the way I thought I would, the way most people would.  Relief swept over me, a sense of peace even.  I no longer had to deal with those insensitive, sadistic slave drivers, AND I was pretty much guaranteed unemployment. There was NO WAY they were going to be able to get out of it.  You can't control what your employees are doing when they're not working and I was on medical leave "due to illness".  Sick people go to job interviews all the time.  It was a 30-minute interview, not an 8-hour work day!.. In case you're wondering, I DID get unemployment. 8~)

"I knew his liver would thank me for relieving him of his duties"

August 1st came quickly.  I informed TJ that I didn't feel I would get the emotional support I needed from him.  He was still welcome to come along to the doctor's office but I had a friend who would be joining me.  Chi has been my friend for going on 10 years.  She has been by my side through a LOT of shit!!!  We've been there for each other through college, careers, my divorce, the bullshit our husbands put us through, the deaths of SEVERAL loved ones, and all the crap in between.  Plus, she has a whole brood of children.  I knew she wouldn't be shy about all the crap they could potentially do to me, wouldn't leave the room when the needles came out, and if I got to a point where I felt I couldn't speak up for myself, I knew she would.  TJ opted out of that doctor's appointment.  In fact, I told him he was perfectly welcome to opt out of every doctor's appointment from then on out.  It had nothing to do with my feelings about him.  I know he would have been there had I asked him to, but I felt it was time for HIM to get back on track.  I could see what all of this was doing to him and I knew his liver would thank me for relieving him of his duties.

By the time Chi and I were driving to the appointment, I had done a lot of soul searching & had really begun to gain some serious ground as far as my emotional recovery.  The depression was subsiding.  I was eating again and sleeping well.  The relief of not having to deal with all the BS at work was a huge help.  I was a little worried about making ends meet in the meantime, but I just had an inexplicable peace about all of it...  While Chi and I sat in the waiting room, I heard a familiar cherub-like voice.  It was Blondie's little boy. She was there for some blood work and he had spotted me through the doorway. (He's my little buddy.)  Blondie came out into the waiting room and it dawned on me that she and Chi had never been given the opportunity to meet. I introduced them and Blondie complimented me on my dress.  I explained that I wanted to spare Chi the embarrassment of seeing me strip from the waist down, as had happened with TJ.  I figured slipping my panties off under my dress would be less awkward.  Chi laughed and said, "Awkward?  Are you kidding?  I haven't seen any action in weeks! That was going to be the highlight of my day and now you've ruined it."  We all shared a big laugh.  I know the people in the waiting area probably thought we were all crazy, but it was that kind of laughter that I needed.

"By then I was just tired of waiting, tired of hurting, and exhausted by the emotional ups & downs. I wanted it to be OVER."

In the U/S lab, the mood was not quite so jovial.  There was still a mostly empty sac and that long-lost anomaly had re-appeared.  That was NOT what I wanted to see on the GIANT television screen between my knees!  Chi and I shared a discouraged look as I did the whole "squat & wipe" routine under my dress.  By then I was just tired of waiting, tired of hurting, and exhausted by the emotional ups & downs. I wanted it to be OVER.  Dr. C. came in with a grim look on his face.  He confirmed that what I had passed two weeks prior was likely the placenta.  His immediate suggestion was the Cytotec.  He really discouraged me against the D&C due to my retroverted uterus, but he mentioned again that passing the material on my own (with or without Cytotec) could be an extremely painful and prolonged process.  He asked if I wanted pain medication (he suggested Vicodin).  I said I really don't like taking narcotics and asked if there was an alternative.  He said, "Tylenol".  Apparently any NSAID pain relievers will counteract the effects of the Cytotec.  He offered to give me the Cytotec "for now" and if I had too much pain I could call back to get the Vicodin later.  He said that a natural miscarriage would open up our options as far as pain management.  That was good enough for me.  I knew it would be at least a few days before I would take the Cytotec.  The great thing was that I could choose when to take it. (And by "take" I mean insert four tablets that looked like aspirins up my crotch.) 

The day following my appointment, Dr. C called to inform me that the "anomaly" looked to be a second sac that had never fully formed.  He said I had most likely been pregnant with Twins and for some reason my body rejected them. This made sense because twins run in both mine and TJ's families.  I was a little saddened by the fact that I had lost, not one, but two babies, but I was okay with it.  I just have a strong peace in knowing that I know my body VERY well. I'm very self aware, and my body knew what was best.

I had a busy few days ahead of me, with open mic & a family reunion.  Quite honestly, I had been feeling GREAT physically.  I wasn't looking forward to going through the whole clotting process again. I was enjoying my time AWAY from the toilet.  So, I filled the prescription for Cytotec and left it sitting on my dresser for a few days. I figured I would wait until the following Monday, after all the family had gone back home and things had settled down.

"to second chances"

 

In the coming days, I started feeling better and better.  I even went to Open Mic with TJ and our friends the day after seeing Dr. C.  We had an after party where the music and the voices and the feeling in the room were just absolutely PERFECT.  I can't explain the exhilaration and pure joy I felt that night. Everyone that was there talks about it like it was some kind of spiritual experience.  In my opinion it was!  TJ stole a bottle of cheap vodka from one of our friends and pulled me into the kitchen.  He put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Ya know, you CAN drink now."  I hadn't really occurred to me until then that it was okay to drink.  It may have been a dirty kitchen & cheap, lukewarm vodka from a plastic bottle that God only knows WHO else had been drinking from, but we shared a shot "to second chances" that night and it was a monumental moment in my life.

Roller Coaster Ride from Hell

I already had an appointment at Dr. C's clinic with a different doctor for 9am on July 18th.  When I called on the 17th to schedule the appointment with Dr. C, they left me at the same time.  This worked out perfectly so TJ could go with me.  I honestly wasn't sure how supportive he was capable of being but it was better than going alone. I never wanted to do that again!!!

I was on bed rest and needed to be close to the hospital so I stayed with Blondie the two days leading up to the appointment.  I was 25 minutes away from our hospital.  She was about 9 blocks away.  TJ and I arranged to have him pick me up from Blondie's.  He was obviously a nervous wreck.  He had that "spooked horse" look the entire time, but he was far more attentive and supportive than I thought he would be.  He helped me out of the house, opened the car door, and asked about 15 times if I was hurting.  I was, but I kept telling him I was okay.

We arrived 15 minutes early.  I filled out the paperwork and then we waited.  It seemed like we waited forever to be seen.  It was awkward.  I wanted to be quiet, but at the same time, the tension was killing me so I chattered about pointless nonsense the entire time.  We whispered about the pregnant woman we saw walking through the parking lot smoking a cigarette and rolled our eyes. I guess I don't truly understand what it's like to be a true smoker and have to quit, but I WAS a true drinker, and with all the stress, all I could think about some days was how badly I "needed" a drink.  I still didn't take even a sip of red wine - which is supposedly "allowed". 

When they finally called us back they had me pee in a cup and then escorted us to the U/S room.  They left TJ in there with me and instructed me to undress "from the waist down".  He was embarrassed by this and turned his head.  I laughed, saying, "We're here because I stripped from the waist down. Don't act like you've never seen it before."  He laughed nervously and said, "I'm just trying to be a gentleman."  The U/S tech came back in. I immediately explained what happened with the last U/S and she was just as appalled as we were.  She turned on the machine and began the exam. 

In utero ultrasounds are ALWAYS uncomfortable.  I don't care what anyone says! In fact, I usually spot for a couple of days every time I have one (& I've had a LOT of them).  The probe is usually bigger (and certainly longer) than anything else that has ever been up my crotch!  And that doesn't even account for all the twisting and moving they do while they're in there! Who knew taking a picture of your ovary would require them to angle that thing SO far???  When she examined my left ovary my right knee was damn near parallel to the table to make room for her arm and the wand!!!

I was already getting sick of seeing pity in everyone's eyes.

The image at the ER was only shown on the screen on the U/S machine itself and the tech was the only one who could see it.  There were no TVs or anything.  At the OB's office, there was a HUGE flat screen TV on the wall, facing me, positioned oh-so-perfectly between my knees.  The thought of seeing it THAT BIG on that huge screen terrified me, but it didn't really seem like I had much of a choice.  The image came up, and there it was, a seemingly empty sac. No heartbeat. No yolk. No fetal pole. NOTHING.  But that "anomaly" the ER U/S tech had described wasn't visible either.  The tech quietly and calmly instructed me to clean up (handing me a box of tissue). She would come back for me in a few moments.  She looked down at the floor as she spoke and I knew my fears had been realized.  TJ was also looking down at the floor as I cleaned up.  I stepped toward him to pick up my clothes from the bench beside him.  He handed me the black polka-dotted panties I had worn and then my pants and looked up at me with pitiful eyes.  Even just two days after finding out, I was already getting sick of seeing pity in everyone's eyes.

We went into Exam Room 2 and waited.  Dr. C came charging into the room at full throttle a few moments later.  He carried a laptop.  He focused primarily on the screen while he spoke to us, and it seemed like he was speaking mostly to me and ignoring TJ.  He was "all business". I really didn't sense much compassion coming from him whatsoever.  He said there was basically a 97% chance we would lose the baby. He gave us our options.  He said we could...

Option 1 - Do a D&C right away and this would all be over in a matter of a days.
Option 2 - Take Cytotec.  It's basically an abortion pill, but it would induce the miscarriage so that your body passes the tissue naturally without a D&C.  It's more painful and takes longer than a D&C but some women have a need to pass the tissue naturally and/or wish to avoid surgery.
Option 3 - Watch & wait. There's a very small chance that the embryo has been slow to grow. I was only at 5 weeks. At five weeks, the embryo is often difficult to see, even with an in utero ultrasound.  Continue the Progesterone and come back in two weeks to see if I have any progress.

As much as I know TJ would have loved to do a D&C and get it over with, I couldn't do that.  The doctor gave us a few minutes alone.  TJ sat next to me on the table and put his arms around me. It felt good to be comforted by him, even though I knew his wishes were different from mine.  I couldn't do the D&C or the Cytotec without knowing for certain that the baby was dead.  I cried.  He held me and we talked a little.  I asked if he understood why I wanted to wait and he said he did & that he would go along with my decision, whatever it was.  He also said he was sorry.  It did mean a lot that he felt sorry for me, but it still hurts to this day that he was actually happy about the possibility of losing a child. That disturbs me.

Dr. C returned and we told him we chose to wait.  He ordered an HCG blood test to see where my hormone levels were. They had done one at the hospital and he wanted to compare my levels now to that of two days ago.  If they had dropped, we would be completely certain that I was having a miscarriage, most likely due to a blighted ovum (also known as an anembryonic pregnancy).  If they had risen, we would know that it was okay to wait before taking any further action.  Rising HCG levels indicate pregnancy. 

Instead of making us move around, the nurses came to the exam room to draw the blood.  TJ pretended to be busy in the hallway, but I know needles make him squeamish.  Dr. C made sure to reassure TJ before we left that once the miscarriage was fully completed I should be able to have sex again in a week or two.  I thought that was very kind of him to mention (jackass). The nurses were very kind. They let us exit through the back door so I wouldn't have to walk through a waiting room full of pregnant women as we left.

Waiting was the right thing to do.

When I recieved the call for my results the next day, my HCG levels had risen (in just a few days) by over 2,000 points.  That assured me that waiting was the right thing to do.  This news was, of course, encouraging to me, but it sent TJ into a mental tailspin.  He texted me...

"This is just too much of a roller coaster for me. After thinking it was over I started feeling relief. And now we're still waiting. I'm not trying to hurt you but please don't ask me to feel the same as you do." 

I should have been feeling hopeful and uplifted but TJ's attitude and all the stress put me into a depression like I had never known before.  I know hormones play a huge role in these situations, but I couldn't blame ALL of it on hormones.  I could barely eat, even though that was what I should have been doing.  All I could do was cry and sleep.  I couldn't work. I was in constant pain and all I could take was Tylenol; However, I refused to take any pills other than the Progesterone and my vitamins.  I didn't want ANYTHING to harm my baby. 

I tried desperately to hang onto hope.  I made a notebook where I could keep track of all the doctor's appointments and keep my notes.  On the front, I decorated it with scrap booking stickers and put "Mommy's Notes & Daddy's Worries".  Blondie and I had taken to calling the Baby "Baby J" (BJ for short).  It's a play off of a nickname that TJ's friends gave him.  I used some of the scrap booking stickers to put "Baby J's Stuff" on the lid of a Rubbermaid container.  Milly had given me some baby clothes and I kept all of the paperwork, the notebook, and the folder I carried to all of the doctor's appointments in the container under my bed (It's still there in fact).  Blondie and I even laid on her bed one night and talked about what the baby would look like.  She said she hoped she was tall like TJ, with his dark hair, my blue-green eyes, and my smile.  We made a list of baby names and talked about if I would use TJ's last name or my own.  Since my last name is my married name, I said I was considering changing my last name and giving the baby my name, since TJ was still insisting on a DNA test after the birth.

In the meantime, my employer had been contacted concerning my inability to work.  I chose to take the rest of the week off and go back to work the following Monday. The doctor agreed that would give me time to adjust emotionally. 

"...They didn't think it was necessary to see me."

I started feeling better on Friday morning. I thought things were looking up, but late Saturday/early Sunday I started feeling pain again.  Judging from how my friends have described labor pains, I'm guessing that's what it was.  It was excruciating!!!  It felt like someone was stretching my cervix from the inside out and tearing it open, and the pain in my lower back returned.  The pain continued into Monday.  I called Dr. C's office. They explained I was probably having a miscarriage and it wasn't anything they didn't expect.  They didn't think it was necessary to see me. I asked about a note for work and they suggested going to my regular practitioner or the ER. I got into my regular doctor that afternoon. She gave me a note to be off work "due to illness" until July 30th.  She said that should give me time to have the miscarriage (if that's what was going to happen) so that I wouldn't have to worry about having it at work.  My next appointment with Dr. C was August 1st.  I immediately called my team leader and explained the situation.  I said I was worried about my job.  She assured me it was fine and to keep them posted on how I was feeling. 

I kept TJ posted via text message. It was very difficult for me to see him, but later that night I started having pain again and the miscarriage started.  I passed several clots of various sizes ranging from pea-sized to silver-dollar-sized.  I didn't WANT to talk to anyone else about it other than TJ, despite his attitude about the whole thing.  Even when he was being more honest than supportive, it still helped to talk to him for some reason.  It was such a roller coaster!!!  Just six days prior TJ had come over to my house, sat on my couch, and even gave me a few reassuring kisses, telling me it would be okay.  We had even discussed baby names for a few brief seconds...

"Oh. Grace I kinda like."

TJ and I both have brothers with the same name. We decided that if it were a boy, our brothers' name would be a definite option, at least for a middle name, but from the very beginning, I had felt like I was having a girl.  TJ hated the idea of having a girl, but he kind of left me to my own devices while I was pregnant. Bless his heart. He really did try not to upset me too much...  TJ and I sometimes sing at a local venue.  The first song we sang together was a song by Kenny Chesney and Grace Potter.  I made the suggestion of Chesney Grace for a girl's name. His response was, "Oh. Grace I kinda like."  Even now that memory makes me smile.

"I would have loved him/her more than I could stand."

As I was dealing with all the pain (and spending a LOT of time on the toilet) I was texting TJ, explaining how I was feeling and all that was going on.  At one point, I told him that I was well aware of how happy he was that I was going through all of this.  In fact,  a friend of mine had overheard him say he still doubted the paternity.  He replied that he didn't hate me and he wasn't happy that I was in pain, that he hated what I was going through.  He hated the entire situation.  I called him jaded and cynical. I asked him, as much as he hated it all, would he have ever truly loved BJ?  Was he even really capable of loving anyone but himself?  His response softened my heart toward him forever.  He said, "I would have loved him/her more than I could stand."  He went on to say, "I'm sorry. I'm being honest about that."

At that point, I felt bad for hating him, for blaming him.  I realized that this was hurting him just as much emotionally and mentally as it was me, even if it were hurting him in a different way.  We were both so different and had such different beliefs.  We were dealing with it in different ways and saw it from different perspectives.  At that point, I was okay with it all.  I still had a lot of pain to face, and I had a lot of changing to do before I would be able to deal with it in a completely healthy way, but reading his words started the healing process for me.

THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM...

Ultrasound Tech from Hell

Aside from the incredibly strained relationship and the emotional aspect of dealing with an unplanned pregnancy after years of being told it would likely never happen, I was facing a lot of physical complications as well. 

On July 5th, I left work a few hours early and went to the ER for dehydration because the morning sickness (which seemed to last all day) was preventing me from keeping down any food or fluids.  The ER doctors admitted to me then that they do not get many OB cases in the ER and the best they could do was contact the OB on call to see what his recommendation was.  There was no ultrasound because I was only a few weeks along and it was assumed that the morning sickness was the only cause for my illness.  I was given IV fluids and a prescription for Zofram, an anti-nausea medication given mostly to chemotherapy patients (& apparently pregnant women with extreme cases of morning sickness).

A week or two later I started having sharp pains in my lower back & feeling a tremendous amount of pressure in my lower abdomen. There were so many things that could cause it.  My body was preparing to carry a baby. My hips were widening. My mucus plug was forming. (Not to mention constipation that often accompanies pregnancy.) My uterus was growing. Well - the BABY was growing, or so we thought...

July 16th - Over the weekend I had experienced a lot of discomfort, to the point that I couldn't sleep. At work, I was hurting pretty badly, and sweating a little, like you do when you're in a lot of pain.  I noticed I was experiencing sharp pains in my back more frequently and the pressure in my abdomen had gotten to the point where I could barely stand the pressure from my pants or underwear because it hurt.  I had already stopped using the lap portion of my seatbelt the week before because of the pain.  Just before 5pm, I went to the restroom as I always do just before leaving work.  There was some light, watery, rusty-orange spotting when I wiped.  I KNEW that wasn't good!  My body had been telling me for DAYS something wasn't right and I had ignored it because everyone I asked, and even the books & my research, suggested it was normal to have some discomfort during the first trimester.

I went directly to the ER after work.  I was hurting so much I could barely drive myself. I contacted TJ and let him know I was there (again) but knew he had to work that night and didn't want him wasting his precious energy sitting in the ER with me. I knew he was dealing with a lot of stress, anxiety, and sleeplessness as it was. I wanted to make everything as easy on him as possible. After all, it was my ignorance that had contributed mostly to the situation to begin with.  After taking the Bee Fertile and never being told for SURE that I would never have children, I should have been more careful.  All of these things go through your head, and TJ is one of those people who is SUCH a creature of habit and so emotionally attached to his routines that this was a devastating situation for him.  I understood that. I knew how difficult it was for him to step out of his routines and his comfort zone. To ask him to jump up and run to my rescue every single time I had a little pain or some paranoid concern was unfair.  I told him to stay home, sleep, and I would keep him updated.  He had finally stopped trying to fight the situaiton and was being far more supportive than I ever thought he would be and I didn't want to strain our relationship anymore.

Blondie had some errands to run after work but came as soon as she could to be with me. She brought her little boy and he entertained us for a little while before falling asleep on the bench between us.  She brought me a 7up, which I just barely sipped at. I was hurting SO MUCH.  It seemed like I had to get up to pee about 15 times while we waited.  It took five hours total for the doctor to see me.  I saw SO MANY people come and go while I sat there waiting. I asked what was going on and they said that I had to be seen by a doctor, not a nurse practitioner or physician's assistant, and the doctor was handling a trauma so I would have to wait.  The spotting stopped in the time while I waited. 

At some point during that five-hour span, they did take me back for an ultrasound.  The technician was very rude and it seemed like she was in a hurry.  I heard what sounded like a heartbeat, which made me feel a small amount of relief, but she didn't bother explaining to me even once what the sound was or if I should feel relieved at all.  Then, she asked if anyone had ever told me I had a retroverted uterus.  I asked, "Isn't that where your uterus is tilted back? Yes. My doctor told me that years ago." Then I proceeded to explain to her that my ex-husband and I had tried for over 6 years to get pregnant and when we went to the doctor they said the primary cause of our infertility was a tilted uterus. They said the passageway from my cervix to my uterus was limited due to the degree of the tilt, which would make it very difficult for us to conceive and could cause endometriosis & PCOS.  In fact, I had gone to the doctor for pain after my period once and had to have tissue removed that couldn't pass during my period.  The U/S tech didn't mention that anything looked wrong or even make me believe in any way that I should be concerned.  In fact, she didn't say much of anything at all.

They finally placed me in an exam room around 8pm but the doctor was still in Trauma.  They said they wanted to make me as comfortable as possible. I wondered why the hell they couldn't have "made me comfortable" about three hours prior.  Blondie came back with me at first, but her little boy was so tired and grouchy.  I told her to take him home and get him settled for the night. She said she would try to get him to bathe and go straight to bed so she could come back, that maybe her mom could watch him.  I was still reassured by the "heartbeat" I had heard earlier and told her I was sure it would be fine and I would keep her updated.

Around 8:30pm, I received a text message from EH's adopted daughter, SJ.  It said, "I hate you hore."  I was lying in the ER in extreme pain, terrified that I was losing my baby.  My heart dropped out of my chest. I didn't know what to do. I texted back "Who is this and who do you think you're talking to?"  I received no response so I called my ex-MIL (EH's mom - We'll call her Milly) and told her about it. She explained that SJ had left her phone at a store near EH's work a few days prior when she had gone shopping with her other grandmother and EH had stopped to pick it up on his way to work one day.  SJ wasn't at EH's house but her phone probably was.  Milly said she would figure out what was going on. I explained to her what I was going through, which made her even more angry about the text.  Milly and I have remained very close through the divorce. In fact, she and I are now proably closer than she is with EH.  She was pissed that while I was lying in an ER fearful of losing my child and in excruciating pain, I had to put up with childish crap like this.  She said she would handle it.

Around 10pm, the doctor finally came in.  He was really beating around the bush at first and then I realized he hadn't spoken to the U/S tech yet or seen the pictures.  He wasn't even aware I had already had an U/S! Just as he was telling me this, the U/S tech walked by. She stopped and said, "I did her U/S already, a few hours ago.  As far as I could tell, it looked like the sac was empty and there was a cyst or some anomaly near her left ovary. I figured it was a tubal pregnancy."

*************WARNING! EXTREME PROFANITY WILL INSUE IN 3... 2.... **************

WHAT THE HELL? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? DID SHE SERIOUSLY JUST SAY THAT RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME???? WHAT A STUPID, INSENSITIVE, UNPROFESSIONAL BITCH!!!!! I wanted to rip her fucking tongue out!!!
*********************************************************************************

I instantly started FREAKING OUT.  Tears flowed uncontrollably. I sat straight up out of the bed and screamed "WHAT?"  I was absolutely beside myself. Every terrible thought, every worry, every paranoia I had felt from Day One was flooding my mind all at once.  The doctor took one look at me, grabbed the U/S tech's arm, and said, "Come with me".  Just like that, I was ALONE.  I sat there feeling as if I would die right there.   My heart was leaping out of my chest. Tears were pouring from my eyes and running down my neck and chest. My chest heaved up and down rapidly. I can't even describe in words how I felt.  You would have to have experienced that kind of shock and panic to even begin to understand it.  I sat there for a moment and then began texting Blondie and TJ explaining what I had heard.  I just kept saying "I don't KNOW! They left me here, alone. No one will tell me what's going on."  Finally, Blondie & TJ both convinced me to step out into the hall and find someone.  I stepped out from behind the curtain and there was no one in the hallway. I looked to the end of the hall near the registration office and saw my nurse standing there with two other women.  I stepped toward them and felt like I might faint. I stopped, looked up, and with all the strength I had in me, I yelled, "I need to talk to someone RIGHT NOW!"

I can't explain what was going through my mind or how I was feeling.  It's like I was watching a movie or having a dream. It was extremely surreal & yet VERY real at the same time.  The emotional pain was too much. If I had been capable of thinking I might have found a way to kill myself right at that moment, but I couldn't even really remember how to walk back to the exam room. The nurse ran over to me & nearly picked me up to get me back into bed.  She sat me down, squatted down to me, put her hands on my shoulders, and said, "Stay right here. I'll get someone."  A few seconds later, a woman I recognized from the registration desk came in.  She introduced herself (I don't remember her name) and told me Cindy (the nurse) was looking for my doctor.  The woman looked to be in her 60's, though I suspect she may have been a bit younger.  She explained to me that she and her husband tried for years and never had any babies.  She said a lot of other things too, but none of it really meant shit to me while I sat there.  All I could think was "Why did they do that? Why did that tech say that in front of me? Where did they go?"  These three thoughts kept swirling in my head.  I kept looking beyond the curtain for my doctor's face, or a glimpse of the U/S tech while that lady kept rambling on about how "everything happens for a reason" and lamenting about her sister's three miscarriages.  Not to be insensitive, but I really didn't give two shits about her or her sister.

Finally, another woman from registration came in to "relieve" Chatty Cathy.  Instead of sitting across the room from me as she had, she sat next to me on the bed and asked, "Is it okay if I give you a hug?"  I nodded.  When she hugged me, for some reason, it reminded me of my mother. I just lost it. I began crying uncontrollably.  Tears literally poured in a continuous stream down my face and onto her shoulder.  I couldn't control the deep moan that came from the pit of my stomach, as if it was coming from my womb.  I continued to weap, moan, and convulse for what seemed like hours (though I'm certain it was only about 10 minutes) while she held me.  Then, Cindy walked through the curtain and I instantly became still.  Like a deer staring into headlights, I sat up and stared at Cindy with begging eyes and an aching heart.  All of my senses instantly became fine-tuned to only what was going on in that room. 

The woman sitting next to me stood and patted me on the shoulder. Cindy looked at me with eyes full of pity & took the woman's place sitting next to me.  She said, "I know it's hard but you need to try to stay calm.  These ultrasound techs don't know everything. Even the doctors don't know everything.  You need to see an OB that can tell you exactly what's going on before you go getting all upset like this." 

She rubbed my sweaty back and put her arm around me.  I sat there, staring aT the floor and shaking my head. Then, I looked up at her and asked, "Why did she say that in front of me? Why would she do that?"  She looked at me as if she didn't understand. I explained what the U/S tech had said.

Cindy became angry.  "Are you serious? That's exactly what she said?  What was her name? Was it Andrea?"  I couldn't remember the tech's name. She hadn't given it to me and I couldn't remember what her tag said.  Cindy made a fist and pushed it down into the mattress of the bed. "What a bitch!  She ought to know better than to say something like that in front of a patient.  I'm gonna go find the call list and see who's on call for ER ultrasound tonight.  I'm gonna find out who that little bitch is and give her a piece of my mind!"  She jerked as if she was going to get up but then looked at me and said, "But for now I'll stay here with you until the doctor gets back or someone comes to be with you.  Is your sister coming back?"

I shook my head, "No. I don't have anyone to call."  I didn't bother explaining that Blondie was not my sisterd. I thought if I were admitted they would let her come visit if they believed she was my sister.

Cindy's eyes saddened. "The father?"

"He's at work and can't leave. He'll lose his job."

"I see...  Then I will just stay right here with you.  Give me a just sec."  She stepped out for a few moments. When she returned, she was carrying a box of tissues and a cup of ice water.  "I'll have the other nurse keep an eye on everyone else until Dr. Corky comes back."

The doctor was the same one I had when I had been there July 5th for dehydration. He explained (again) that the ER doesn't see many OB cases.  He had put in a call to a "friend" who worked with the same women's health group I was scheduled to see for my first "baby doctor" appointment in just two days.  He said this friend of his was the best in the area and even specializes in slow embryonic growth.  He said not to pay any attention to what the U/S tech had said, she was an "idiot" and he would "deal with her later". He handed me a piece of paper. "I've been on the phone with a friend of mine.  Doctor C is the best.  He's a good doctor. He'll take good care of you.  Call his office first thing in the morning and get an appointment for Wednesday.  He said he will see you no charge until your insurance kicks in and they'll just back bill your insurance.  In the meantime, he wants you take Progesterone."  He handed me a prescription.  "It'll help build up your sac and protect the baby. All hope is not lost.  These ER ultrasound techs don't do this every day. Doctor C's people do. They'll be able to tell you exactly what's going on.  In the meantime, you're on bedrest until you see Doctor C and try to stay calm."

If TJ weren't Atheist I would believe he had prayed for this, like he had cursed this upon me.  When he texted me back after I told him what happened, he only focused on making sure I was okay.  He didn't ask about the baby.  He asked what kind of pain I was in, if there was anyone there with me, and what they were doing for me.  The problem with TJ is, he's too smart to have faith in anything other than what he KNOWS, and the truth is, we didn't know shit from applesauce.

ROLLER COASTER RIDE FROM HELL...

Facing the Firing Squad

I sent TJ a text telling him I desperately needed to see him.  He said if I was willing to come out to his house, I could see him.  I was nearby so I told him I would meet him there shortly.  I had no clue what I would do.  I had one of the pregnancy tests wrapped up in its instructions in my purse.  My plan was to break it to him as gently as possible, but I knew no matter how I did it, he would hate me.  I had told him about all the doctors and all the years of trying with EH. I had told him pretty much everything about my sexual history and he had been really honest with me too. I mean, we used protection! There was absolutely NO reason we should be pregnant, and yet we were. And now it was my responsibility to destroy his life in two words: "I'm pregnant". I couldn't even say the words out loud!!!

TJ worked third shift & it was one of his days to work so I knew he had been sleeping before I texted him and would likely need more sleep before going to work. This certainly wouldn't help him sleep. I had considered waiting until Wednesday morning to tell him (today was Monday) because Wednesday was his day off, but I couldn't wait that long. I had a deep need to tell him right away.  I pulled in the drive and I don't think I will EVER forget the sight of him standing there in running shorts (with his boxer briefs peaking out the bottoms), a white t-shirt, white crew socks, loafers, and his glasses - smoking a cigarette of course.  Looking back, I wonder if he realizes how ridiculous he looked, or if he even cared. I guess once someone has seen you naked it doesn't really matter how they see you.

He looked pissed off before I even stopped the car, like I had interrupted the best sex of his life (though in that outfit I highly doubt it).  I rolled down the window and he asked how I was. I said "Terrible, but I found out why I have been so sick lately." He made this face that he makes when something is really shocking, disgusting, or just unpleasant. His eyebrows furrow and the whites of his eyes get huge while he kind of tucks his lips into themselves.  He looked kind of like a spooked horse.  He asked, "Why's that?"  I said, "Well, the good news is, it's not cancer." I took a deep breath. I knew it would be hard, but in that moment I just kind of froze for a second or two. Then, I reached into my purse and I couldn't get the damn test out. It was hung up on the zipper of the inside pocket and I jerked at it, dropped the paper, scrambled around in my purse for it, & wrapped it back around the test inside my purse. Then, I looked down at my lap as I reached my hand out the window holding the test in my fist.  I had imagined it would go much smoother than this.

TJ took the test from me, unwrapped it and just STARED at it, like he was staring at some alien technology he had never seen before. Part of me wanted to say the words "I'm pregnant" or explain to him it was a pregnancy test but all I could do was sit there and stare at him, at the wretched, pissed off, confused look on his face. He looked at the test, then the instructions, then the test again, and then up at me with the look of... I don't know, a rape victim!?!?! 

I had hoped he would be as sad and devastated as I was, put his arms around me, and tell me it would be okay, but that's not what happened at all.  He was literally speechless.  He acted as if he was going to fall over and then righted himself by putting one hand against my car. He turned his back to me and slowly backed up against the back door and took a long drag on his cigarette.  I got out and turned to face him. He handed me the test and the paper.  All I could say was, "I'm sorry. I never thought this would happen."  He looked down at me, now with pity in his eyes, and said, "I just need time to process this if you can give me that."  I said, "Okay", got in the car and left, bawling.

Over the next several days I busied myself with research and making appointments. I dug out my old copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting.  I had purchased it years before when EH & I were trying...  I needed to contact the WIC office, the health department, the doctor's office. I had to schedule a pregnancy test with the doctor because I couldn't apply for medical coverage without it. Then, I needed to schedule my first appointment with the OB/GYN. I took care of all of that and tried to keep TJ in the loop, but he didn't seem all that interested.  He was mostly concerned with money. Once I told him the medical card would cover any medical expenses, he seemed to ease up a bit, but any time I brought up baby names, preparing for the birth, or talked about the future in any way, he recoiled.  He could only focus on the moment at hand - what was going on right now. He wasn't capable of discussing the future, and his worrisome nature turned into an obsession with worrying.  I've never seen someone SO worked up over even the most minor of details, like who would drive to the first doctor's appointment.

There was one discussion where he asked if I was open to our "options" (adoption, abortion) & I said absolutely not. After a few days went by, he apologized for that and admitted that he hadn't done his research and wasn't aware of the full consequences of those options, for example, how long it often takes for a child to be adopted.  I have several friends and family members who are adopted. Some spent no time at all in an orphanage or foster care. Others spent years, even as babies.  Besides, in my eyes there WERE no other options. I had waited nearly a decade for this. I wasn't giving my baby up, not even if it killed me!  I believe all unexpectant fathers who get pregnant with women they aren't necessarily serious with go through these stages - similar to the stages of grief. They go through the shock, denial, anger. They blame the mother, blame themselves.  They try to find ways to get out of it - maybe it's someone else's!  That would certainly solve their problem!

TJ did that too. He tried to accuse me of sleeping with one of my guy friends during the time of conception, but then he finally resigned to the fact that the baby was his and we decided to move forward.  I later found out he had contacted Blondie to ask her if there was any way I had been with anyone else or could be lying. I don't know exactly what he asked or how she responded, but it was that same day that we "made ammends".  He admitted that he never would have been able to walk away from his child when it came down to it, and he understood my reasons against having an abortion.  However, he asked me not to expect him to ever be excited or happy about the baby.  He didn't want this, and this was not how his family did things.  They got married BEFORE having kids, and they did NOT have casual sexual relationships with women they barely knew.  However, he did eventually tell his parents, who were "nothing but supportive".  Of course, they never asked to meet me and didn't seem to take anymore interest in the situation than TJ did, but he did agree to be supportive.  He told his best friend, who sort of put the idea in his head about my guy friend & that the baby could be someone else's, but I can't really hold it against his friend. Any man would think the same way.  I asked him once to be honest with me and he replied, "I can either be honest OR supportive. I can't do both." I chose to allow him to support me - but only on an emotional level. I have never once asked him for a single penny and he has only managed to make it to one doctor's appointment (the first one).  Normally, expectant mothers receive their first ultrasound (U/S) at their first OB appointment.  I was no so lucky...

ULTRASOUND TECH FROM HELL...