The Storm

A few days went by and I still felt fine. I was still sleeping more than I did before I was pregnant, but I was able to do just about anything anyone else could do (except have sex). That was a serious frustration for me because I felt normal, for the most part. Monday was a different story. I woke up with those nagging pains in my back again. It couldn't have been worse timing. The family would start coming in from North Carolina, Indiana, etc TOMORROW. The pain was unbearable, far worse than it had been two weeks prior. I called Dr. C's office to see if they could call in a prescription for the Vicodin he had promised. The nurse explained that it couldn't be called in but she would get with Dr. C to discuss the possibility of me picking up a written prescription from the office. It meant driving 25 miles to pick it up, but it was worth it! I could load up on Tylenol long enough to get to the pharmacy.

"I'm sorry but that is your only option."

 

The nurse called back FIVE HOURS later and suggested I go to the ER. I explained that I hadn't taken the Cytotec, the miscarriage had re-started on its own. She still insisted I needed to be SEEN to get the prescription. REALLY? I had just been seen a few days prior and he told me that once I started miscarrying again I could get Vicodin if I needed it. Chi could testify to that fact. The nurse said, "I'm sorry but that is your only option." Like Hell it was! I would NOT sit in that ER for another seven hours just so they could tell me what I already knew; not to mention that I took the risk of running into that ER U/S tech again. They would undoubtedly want me to get an U/S in the ER, and I would KILL that bitch! 

 

The previous trip to the ER had left me sitting in my own blood and in a lot of pain for five hours before I was ever seen! I was in far more pain and passing clots the size of my fist! There was no way I would sit in the ER for HOURS feeling like this! I was pissed. I told the nurse, "Ya know what? I can get my own damn pain meds. Thanks for all your help!". I hung up on her. Then, I called the main number for that medical group and asked to get in with a different doctor ASAP. The soonest they could get me in was Friday... I'm not proud of this fact, but I know people, who know people who take medicine for chronic pain management. I was able to get pain meds on Wednesday (two days later) that got me through until I was able to see my new doctor on Friday.

"I knew I would be able to handle it, that it wouldn't kill me, and that I would need to be alone when it happened. "

 I continued to pass clots the rest of the week. Some were HUGE. At one point, I literally had to PUSH out a clot about the size of an orange. I could feel my cervix stretching and the sharp pains in my lower back were nearly unbearable. There were a few times I thought I might pass out, and I was alone most of the time during that week. I think that's what forced me to keep it together and NOT pass out, the fact that I knew no one would be there to help. After I passed the large clot, I couldn't help but to look at it. It was somewhat difficult to see because the water in the toilet was an orangy-red and cloudy but it looked kind of like an internal organ. I've seen some organ tissues before and it did look quite similar, but it was kind of oval and wrinkled, like a giant raisin. I'm assuming that was the larger of the "sacs".

At that moment, hunched over the toilet, staring at what I had once thought would be my son/daughter, I started crying. I hadn't cried much since we initially recieved the news. I felt very conflicted as to whether I should try to save the tissue or just flush it. It seems SO WRONG to flush it, but then I remembered what TJ said. He said, according to his research, the baby was never really formed. It was just tissue, no worse than flushing away a blood clot passed during a heavy period. TJ had gone to school for journalism. He is an excellent researcher. I'm certain he researches EVERYTHING - from what kind of underwear he should wear to all the baby research he was doing. In fact, his research was a comfort to me as we were going through this mess. The truth was, it WAS an unplanned pregnancy. We WERE just friends with priviledges. And as I said before, my body knows what is best for me. I don't know that I would be able to carry twins, and these twins would have most likely had a lot of physical complications juding from the slow growth of the sacs/embryos. We're still not even sure that the larger sac even had an embryo. Trans-vaginal ultrasounds are not an exact science. There's no way to know for sure what happened inside my uterus, but what TJ and all the health professionals were telling me was that this lump of tissue was not my child and this was not my fault. "Baby J" was more of an apirition, a spirit, a spiritual connection between me and what might have been. I had to think that way, at least for a few seconds, while I held down the lever on the toilet. And even as I was thinking that and psyching myself out, I still said goodbye to BJ. I think my spirit needed to say goodbye, and I think I needed to be alone to do it. 

 

I still don't believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that we are preconditioned to behave in certain ways. I believe that I know myself and my body better than anyone else. I knew I would be able to handle it, that it wouldn't kill me, and that I would need to be alone when it happened. I find solice in that.

I saw Dr. S that Friday. I went alone, and I was completely honest with her. I explained that, since Monday, I had taken over 60 Tylenol, 32 Midol, 30+ Motrin, and three 7/750 Vicodin that I had gotten "from a friend". I had no idea what to expect. I thought she might call the cops. I had never done anything like this before, much less would I normally tell anyone! She asked me why the other doctor wouldn't give me pain medication and I recounted what happened on Monday. Dr. S was livid! She pulled my chart and noted that the previous doctor had never ordered a blood type or done a pelvic exam, which is one of the first things they do for pregnant women. Blood typing is to test for Rh factor. I told her that my blood type was AB positive and asked if she needed to know TJ's type. She then informed me that if the mother has a positive blood type the father's type doesn't matter. (I didn't know this before so I was relieved to hear that Rh was neither a factor in my miscarriage, nor anything I will have to worry about in the future.)

 "The worst is finally over"

Dr. S ordered another U/S to see if everything had come out. If the U/S looked clear, they would have to do a pelvic exam to see what was causing the continued pain. The U/S looked fine, so I stripped down for my new doctor. Upon inspection it seemed a piece of uterine tissue had attached to the inside wall of my cervix. It would have to be removed. Dr. S warned me it could be quite painful and there wouldn't be a local anesthetic. I figured after all the pain I had already been through and the meds I was doped up on I would be fine. WRONG! It hurt like a.....

Well, you get the point. She wrote me a prescription for Vicodin and an antibiotic to prevent infection where the tissue had been removed. Then, they drew another HCG quant to monitor my hormone levels. She said she wanted to watch my HCG until it was back down to zero and explained I could go back to my normal activities (including exercise and SEX) after my hormone levels dropped. I would have to have blood work done every week until then. Then she put her hand on my shoulder and said, "The worst is finally over."

A NEW NORMAL - PART 2

Ultrasound Tech from Hell

Aside from the incredibly strained relationship and the emotional aspect of dealing with an unplanned pregnancy after years of being told it would likely never happen, I was facing a lot of physical complications as well. 

On July 5th, I left work a few hours early and went to the ER for dehydration because the morning sickness (which seemed to last all day) was preventing me from keeping down any food or fluids.  The ER doctors admitted to me then that they do not get many OB cases in the ER and the best they could do was contact the OB on call to see what his recommendation was.  There was no ultrasound because I was only a few weeks along and it was assumed that the morning sickness was the only cause for my illness.  I was given IV fluids and a prescription for Zofram, an anti-nausea medication given mostly to chemotherapy patients (& apparently pregnant women with extreme cases of morning sickness).

A week or two later I started having sharp pains in my lower back & feeling a tremendous amount of pressure in my lower abdomen. There were so many things that could cause it.  My body was preparing to carry a baby. My hips were widening. My mucus plug was forming. (Not to mention constipation that often accompanies pregnancy.) My uterus was growing. Well - the BABY was growing, or so we thought...

July 16th - Over the weekend I had experienced a lot of discomfort, to the point that I couldn't sleep. At work, I was hurting pretty badly, and sweating a little, like you do when you're in a lot of pain.  I noticed I was experiencing sharp pains in my back more frequently and the pressure in my abdomen had gotten to the point where I could barely stand the pressure from my pants or underwear because it hurt.  I had already stopped using the lap portion of my seatbelt the week before because of the pain.  Just before 5pm, I went to the restroom as I always do just before leaving work.  There was some light, watery, rusty-orange spotting when I wiped.  I KNEW that wasn't good!  My body had been telling me for DAYS something wasn't right and I had ignored it because everyone I asked, and even the books & my research, suggested it was normal to have some discomfort during the first trimester.

I went directly to the ER after work.  I was hurting so much I could barely drive myself. I contacted TJ and let him know I was there (again) but knew he had to work that night and didn't want him wasting his precious energy sitting in the ER with me. I knew he was dealing with a lot of stress, anxiety, and sleeplessness as it was. I wanted to make everything as easy on him as possible. After all, it was my ignorance that had contributed mostly to the situation to begin with.  After taking the Bee Fertile and never being told for SURE that I would never have children, I should have been more careful.  All of these things go through your head, and TJ is one of those people who is SUCH a creature of habit and so emotionally attached to his routines that this was a devastating situation for him.  I understood that. I knew how difficult it was for him to step out of his routines and his comfort zone. To ask him to jump up and run to my rescue every single time I had a little pain or some paranoid concern was unfair.  I told him to stay home, sleep, and I would keep him updated.  He had finally stopped trying to fight the situaiton and was being far more supportive than I ever thought he would be and I didn't want to strain our relationship anymore.

Blondie had some errands to run after work but came as soon as she could to be with me. She brought her little boy and he entertained us for a little while before falling asleep on the bench between us.  She brought me a 7up, which I just barely sipped at. I was hurting SO MUCH.  It seemed like I had to get up to pee about 15 times while we waited.  It took five hours total for the doctor to see me.  I saw SO MANY people come and go while I sat there waiting. I asked what was going on and they said that I had to be seen by a doctor, not a nurse practitioner or physician's assistant, and the doctor was handling a trauma so I would have to wait.  The spotting stopped in the time while I waited. 

At some point during that five-hour span, they did take me back for an ultrasound.  The technician was very rude and it seemed like she was in a hurry.  I heard what sounded like a heartbeat, which made me feel a small amount of relief, but she didn't bother explaining to me even once what the sound was or if I should feel relieved at all.  Then, she asked if anyone had ever told me I had a retroverted uterus.  I asked, "Isn't that where your uterus is tilted back? Yes. My doctor told me that years ago." Then I proceeded to explain to her that my ex-husband and I had tried for over 6 years to get pregnant and when we went to the doctor they said the primary cause of our infertility was a tilted uterus. They said the passageway from my cervix to my uterus was limited due to the degree of the tilt, which would make it very difficult for us to conceive and could cause endometriosis & PCOS.  In fact, I had gone to the doctor for pain after my period once and had to have tissue removed that couldn't pass during my period.  The U/S tech didn't mention that anything looked wrong or even make me believe in any way that I should be concerned.  In fact, she didn't say much of anything at all.

They finally placed me in an exam room around 8pm but the doctor was still in Trauma.  They said they wanted to make me as comfortable as possible. I wondered why the hell they couldn't have "made me comfortable" about three hours prior.  Blondie came back with me at first, but her little boy was so tired and grouchy.  I told her to take him home and get him settled for the night. She said she would try to get him to bathe and go straight to bed so she could come back, that maybe her mom could watch him.  I was still reassured by the "heartbeat" I had heard earlier and told her I was sure it would be fine and I would keep her updated.

Around 8:30pm, I received a text message from EH's adopted daughter, SJ.  It said, "I hate you hore."  I was lying in the ER in extreme pain, terrified that I was losing my baby.  My heart dropped out of my chest. I didn't know what to do. I texted back "Who is this and who do you think you're talking to?"  I received no response so I called my ex-MIL (EH's mom - We'll call her Milly) and told her about it. She explained that SJ had left her phone at a store near EH's work a few days prior when she had gone shopping with her other grandmother and EH had stopped to pick it up on his way to work one day.  SJ wasn't at EH's house but her phone probably was.  Milly said she would figure out what was going on. I explained to her what I was going through, which made her even more angry about the text.  Milly and I have remained very close through the divorce. In fact, she and I are now proably closer than she is with EH.  She was pissed that while I was lying in an ER fearful of losing my child and in excruciating pain, I had to put up with childish crap like this.  She said she would handle it.

Around 10pm, the doctor finally came in.  He was really beating around the bush at first and then I realized he hadn't spoken to the U/S tech yet or seen the pictures.  He wasn't even aware I had already had an U/S! Just as he was telling me this, the U/S tech walked by. She stopped and said, "I did her U/S already, a few hours ago.  As far as I could tell, it looked like the sac was empty and there was a cyst or some anomaly near her left ovary. I figured it was a tubal pregnancy."

*************WARNING! EXTREME PROFANITY WILL INSUE IN 3... 2.... **************

WHAT THE HELL? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? DID SHE SERIOUSLY JUST SAY THAT RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME???? WHAT A STUPID, INSENSITIVE, UNPROFESSIONAL BITCH!!!!! I wanted to rip her fucking tongue out!!!
*********************************************************************************

I instantly started FREAKING OUT.  Tears flowed uncontrollably. I sat straight up out of the bed and screamed "WHAT?"  I was absolutely beside myself. Every terrible thought, every worry, every paranoia I had felt from Day One was flooding my mind all at once.  The doctor took one look at me, grabbed the U/S tech's arm, and said, "Come with me".  Just like that, I was ALONE.  I sat there feeling as if I would die right there.   My heart was leaping out of my chest. Tears were pouring from my eyes and running down my neck and chest. My chest heaved up and down rapidly. I can't even describe in words how I felt.  You would have to have experienced that kind of shock and panic to even begin to understand it.  I sat there for a moment and then began texting Blondie and TJ explaining what I had heard.  I just kept saying "I don't KNOW! They left me here, alone. No one will tell me what's going on."  Finally, Blondie & TJ both convinced me to step out into the hall and find someone.  I stepped out from behind the curtain and there was no one in the hallway. I looked to the end of the hall near the registration office and saw my nurse standing there with two other women.  I stepped toward them and felt like I might faint. I stopped, looked up, and with all the strength I had in me, I yelled, "I need to talk to someone RIGHT NOW!"

I can't explain what was going through my mind or how I was feeling.  It's like I was watching a movie or having a dream. It was extremely surreal & yet VERY real at the same time.  The emotional pain was too much. If I had been capable of thinking I might have found a way to kill myself right at that moment, but I couldn't even really remember how to walk back to the exam room. The nurse ran over to me & nearly picked me up to get me back into bed.  She sat me down, squatted down to me, put her hands on my shoulders, and said, "Stay right here. I'll get someone."  A few seconds later, a woman I recognized from the registration desk came in.  She introduced herself (I don't remember her name) and told me Cindy (the nurse) was looking for my doctor.  The woman looked to be in her 60's, though I suspect she may have been a bit younger.  She explained to me that she and her husband tried for years and never had any babies.  She said a lot of other things too, but none of it really meant shit to me while I sat there.  All I could think was "Why did they do that? Why did that tech say that in front of me? Where did they go?"  These three thoughts kept swirling in my head.  I kept looking beyond the curtain for my doctor's face, or a glimpse of the U/S tech while that lady kept rambling on about how "everything happens for a reason" and lamenting about her sister's three miscarriages.  Not to be insensitive, but I really didn't give two shits about her or her sister.

Finally, another woman from registration came in to "relieve" Chatty Cathy.  Instead of sitting across the room from me as she had, she sat next to me on the bed and asked, "Is it okay if I give you a hug?"  I nodded.  When she hugged me, for some reason, it reminded me of my mother. I just lost it. I began crying uncontrollably.  Tears literally poured in a continuous stream down my face and onto her shoulder.  I couldn't control the deep moan that came from the pit of my stomach, as if it was coming from my womb.  I continued to weap, moan, and convulse for what seemed like hours (though I'm certain it was only about 10 minutes) while she held me.  Then, Cindy walked through the curtain and I instantly became still.  Like a deer staring into headlights, I sat up and stared at Cindy with begging eyes and an aching heart.  All of my senses instantly became fine-tuned to only what was going on in that room. 

The woman sitting next to me stood and patted me on the shoulder. Cindy looked at me with eyes full of pity & took the woman's place sitting next to me.  She said, "I know it's hard but you need to try to stay calm.  These ultrasound techs don't know everything. Even the doctors don't know everything.  You need to see an OB that can tell you exactly what's going on before you go getting all upset like this." 

She rubbed my sweaty back and put her arm around me.  I sat there, staring aT the floor and shaking my head. Then, I looked up at her and asked, "Why did she say that in front of me? Why would she do that?"  She looked at me as if she didn't understand. I explained what the U/S tech had said.

Cindy became angry.  "Are you serious? That's exactly what she said?  What was her name? Was it Andrea?"  I couldn't remember the tech's name. She hadn't given it to me and I couldn't remember what her tag said.  Cindy made a fist and pushed it down into the mattress of the bed. "What a bitch!  She ought to know better than to say something like that in front of a patient.  I'm gonna go find the call list and see who's on call for ER ultrasound tonight.  I'm gonna find out who that little bitch is and give her a piece of my mind!"  She jerked as if she was going to get up but then looked at me and said, "But for now I'll stay here with you until the doctor gets back or someone comes to be with you.  Is your sister coming back?"

I shook my head, "No. I don't have anyone to call."  I didn't bother explaining that Blondie was not my sisterd. I thought if I were admitted they would let her come visit if they believed she was my sister.

Cindy's eyes saddened. "The father?"

"He's at work and can't leave. He'll lose his job."

"I see...  Then I will just stay right here with you.  Give me a just sec."  She stepped out for a few moments. When she returned, she was carrying a box of tissues and a cup of ice water.  "I'll have the other nurse keep an eye on everyone else until Dr. Corky comes back."

The doctor was the same one I had when I had been there July 5th for dehydration. He explained (again) that the ER doesn't see many OB cases.  He had put in a call to a "friend" who worked with the same women's health group I was scheduled to see for my first "baby doctor" appointment in just two days.  He said this friend of his was the best in the area and even specializes in slow embryonic growth.  He said not to pay any attention to what the U/S tech had said, she was an "idiot" and he would "deal with her later". He handed me a piece of paper. "I've been on the phone with a friend of mine.  Doctor C is the best.  He's a good doctor. He'll take good care of you.  Call his office first thing in the morning and get an appointment for Wednesday.  He said he will see you no charge until your insurance kicks in and they'll just back bill your insurance.  In the meantime, he wants you take Progesterone."  He handed me a prescription.  "It'll help build up your sac and protect the baby. All hope is not lost.  These ER ultrasound techs don't do this every day. Doctor C's people do. They'll be able to tell you exactly what's going on.  In the meantime, you're on bedrest until you see Doctor C and try to stay calm."

If TJ weren't Atheist I would believe he had prayed for this, like he had cursed this upon me.  When he texted me back after I told him what happened, he only focused on making sure I was okay.  He didn't ask about the baby.  He asked what kind of pain I was in, if there was anyone there with me, and what they were doing for me.  The problem with TJ is, he's too smart to have faith in anything other than what he KNOWS, and the truth is, we didn't know shit from applesauce.

ROLLER COASTER RIDE FROM HELL...

The End of the World As We Know It

By the end of June things were really rocky between TJ & I.   I wasn't going to all of the weekly jam sessions, wasn't going out much at all, and I was starting to come down with the Flu or some kind of bug. My heart rate was high. My blood pressure was up. I was nauseous, and my blood sugar was all out of whack (I'm hypoglycemic).  I was in a HUGE funk and things between TJ and I were NOT helping at all.  We tried to stay friends, tried to be amicable, but it was just a mess. In fact, I found out later that he was planning to break it off with me completely very soon, but that didn't come out until after catastrophe struck.

July 2, 2012 - I was at work.  I kept every single goal - large or small- on my Outlook Calendar on my work computer.  I had been super busy lately, completely overwhelmed with work.  I had also been pretty sick as of late and was having difficulty keeping up with my long list of overdue tasks.  I had a few extra minutes that afternoon so I decided to sort through my calendar to see what tasks/goals I needed to focus on in the upcoming weeks.  I rolled back to April and started slowly scrolling through the dates.  I got to May 30th and saw a big red "P".  A lightbulb went off, my stomach dropped, a felt faint, & I think I may have even lost consciousness for a split second.  I scrolled down to June. No "P". July - no "P". SHIT!

I almost RAN to my friend's cubicle. (We'll call her Blondie.) "Blondie, I missed my period!"  She kind of stared at me with her huge doe eyes.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes! I keep track on my calendar. It's July 2nd!  My last period was May 30th! Shit! TJ is gonna flip a f*cking lid!"

"Oh my God! You need to take a test before you do anything."

"No shit! It's not like I can leave work to do it. There are over two hours left before I can leave. I'm a nervous wreck! This can't be happening! How many times have I been told I would likely never get pregnant? How many times did the doctors say it wouldn't happen? This can NOT be happening, not now!"

"Calm down! You've been sick & stressed out. Maybe it's just like before, like back in December when you missed before.  Don't jump to conclusions."

As soon as I left work, I bought a pregnancy test and went looking for a restroom. I worked 27 miles from my house & I wasn't waiting 30 minutes to take this test! I went to the tanning salon almost every day after work so I went there just like I did every other day and asked to use the restroom before I tanned. As soon as the pee hit the stick, that "pregnant" line showed up - before the standard line even did!!! I took out the other test and did it again - same thing. OH MY GOD! I didn't know what to do.

I called my mom bawling.  My mother and I don't exactly have the best relationship, but the best thing she could have done at that time was exactly what she did. She reminded me that I had gone the last decade believing I would never have kids and now I was pregnant. Regardless of how I felt about it, this was a BLESSING. I was pregnant!!!  I thought it would never happen & it did! I should be HAPPY about it!

I knew the next step was to tell TJ. My stomach dropped. At that point it really didn't matter how I felt, because I knew how he would feel and it would NOT be good!!!

FACING THE FIRING SQUAD...